Find the Love You Really Want

Trigger happy or sad - it's up to you

2010-09-09T01:07:00.000+02:00

Picture the scene. You are merrily taking a day trip out with your partner and all is going very well. You are chatting and laughing together about people and life and nothing in the world seems to matter more than these precious moments. Your banter is high and the flow of energy congruent and easy between you. You look with fond eyes and have lots of warm fuzzy feelings thinking how wonderful your beau is in so many ways.

Then suddenly, unknown to them, they say something that, like a flick of a switch, sends your inner world plummeting into darkness and angst. They may have suddenly dropped the name of their ex, one too many times, into the conversation or held the gaze of the “bit of stuff” as they walked by or they mention in a sweet way what a pain in the ass your mum is or they may say something about your physical appearance or your weight.....the list goes on.

Your body suddenly goes into “I’m in charge” mode and you sit there surging with feelings. You feel taken over, some people tell me, with demonic proportions and you can’t think straight. Many people, including myself, describe these moments as an emotional punch in the guts or a sudden rising sickness or huge anger or a need to defend yourself in some way.

Anatomically, cortisol, one of the fight or flight hormones is rampaging around your body like an invasion from an opposing army. At this point you may feel like running and hiding or standing and fighting..the options are, in the moment, many, but scary.

These moments are called your “triggers”. They are the body’s way of signalling where, in your body/mind/spirit, negative experiences from the past are still causing you angst and to what degree. The magnitude of your feelings varies according to the pain you felt originally i.e. when the emotional “wounding” occurred and the degree to which you have sorted it out during your lifetime.

When we are triggered we often don’t know where the originating painful experience lies. We focus on what our partner has said or done and that is deemed, by the mind, the be the cause. What follows often and in my experience with couples who are struggling to get through conflict, is a whole lot of blame, pain and finger pointing with the requests and demands that the other should resolve their upset.

What I want to do with this way of looking at relationship problems is to turn it on its head completely. Our partners WILL push pain buttons in us with words or actions to show us where healing and growth are required in us, not them. The greatest mis-understanding is “this is hurting me therefore it is your fault”. Sadly humanity is only at the beginning of knowing that inner pain means “my stuff not yours” and love relationships seem to be where this war is still very much at large.

I will go further and say that our partners are meant to push our buttons and the purpose of adult intimate relationships is to heal and grow from childhood and the lovely quote from the Jewish philosopher, Martin Buber “the purpose of a relationship, is a helpmate in opposition”, springs to mind.

Depending on your adaptive way of dealing with conflict in childhood, by either retreating or going into battle, you will carry that style into adulthood which by now is a deeply ingrained pattern. Then what seems as some Divine buggar up, you pitch up in a love relationship with your opposite style of dealing with conflict. I digress....

So there you are feeling all sorts of angst and discomfort, your partner is looking a little perplexed and may start to notice by asking if there is anything wrong to which you will probably say at first “oh nothing” but you are secretly seething. I want to say “why hold it in ?” but therein lies all sorts of potential hazards.

At this moment I am pressing PAUSE on our mini potential drama, to help you understand your choices :

Ok let’s start with playing the movie of what could happen. After several attempts by your partner to find out what’s wrong you decide to :

Let them have it with a barrage of words to feed your pain. You may swear, throw things or even go for the biggie of physical attack until you have off loaded. But what then ? Guilt and a possible rift and alot said that needs to be forgiven and healed in both of you. Relationships are a game for two and this way you are trampling on the relationship space. See previous article http://ginahardy.blogspot.com/2010/02/your-relationship-space-beirut-or-bliss.html .This scene is the horror movie and not advised at any costs. You may then trigger your partner who may mirror you by giving as good as they get and a game of trying to win ensues, however clever the tactics you employ, are.
Retreat into a well lived-in shell and put up the highest defence you can. You may walk out, make an excuse to go and do something else or blah blah...whatever ! Your partner is not welcome here and you will not be budged. They can make all the effort to repair the mess and the hurt they have caused you before you are willing to come out of hiding. This movie, like Castaway, is one of isolation and loneliness. Again it is not just about you, but two.

Unconscious relationships swing in polarity as above. Allow me to suggest with minor role play, what a conscious healthy relationship would do...excuse the basic language but you can get the general idea :

My partner says something I find painful and it triggers a possible reaction. I notice what’s happening in me and register that “yes” I feel rubbish in this moment. I take time (a few seconds, minutes) to allow the feelings to be there without jumping in to react. PAUSE.
I say to my loved one, aiming to stay connected to him/her, “honey I really feel triggered by what you just said/did. I feel hurt/angry/injured etc”. That way I am not sending accusatory messages to hit my partner’s tender spots. I am now starting to own my pain and just expressing how I feel.
At this point depending on the depth and power of my feelings I can either articulate to my honey that I just need to find a place to calm down and I will come and talk in an hour or so or I may choose to explain how I feel in the moment.

A word of caution here. The cortisol surging in the body is at its strongest in the first 20 minutes after you feel triggered, so any exchange of words at this time carries a health warning that a row can easily develop if full self control is not exerted. Tough when you are feeling overcome with emotion.

Notice and observe yourself as much as you can.
If your tendency is to want to react with a barrage of words and brain to mouth has a habit of reacting at lightning speed then my heart goes out to you. I was and am, to a smaller extent, one of those people. It is not your fault you feel that way but it is your fault if you let rip unguarded. You will injure for sure then there is double pain. Only when you have calmed down and can meet your partner in a safe relational space to communicate with respect, will you be met where you need to be met thus being able to say how you feel and what you need from your partner.
If you want to run and not face any potential conflict, again my heart goes out to you. But shutting down is as much hard work for your relationship, although less noisy. When you have calmed down make that commitment to come back to your partner and explain what it is you feel and what you need from your partner.

Our partner’s “job” in all this is to help create a safe space to “come and talk” when the triggered state has worn off. Safety is critical for the triggered party in order to feel they can say what needs to be said. Notice your reactive style and its impact on your partner. It is not to tell you to pussy foot or tread on egg shells to suit your partner but it is to respect the relational space and getting it off your chest can be done, but with kindness.

We are all very varied and there are a thousands of triggers and situations but we all share the basic human craving for love and approval. It never dies in us no matter how old we get and when we don’t get it or it is threatened to be withdrawn, our systems go into overdrive to protect us from potential “death”. Sounds very dramatic but our reptilian brain, or “old brain” only knows to protect the body from threats and death and it is that part of the brain that overpowers us when we are triggered. Fight or flight is it’s only two reactive states.

So my lovely Conscious Union readers, take from this what makes sense to you and slowly slowly in your daily interactions with your nearest and dearest and others for that matter, test this different way out. Recognise that it is you that can change this world from conflict to peace and help yourself heal and grow beyond your wildest dreams in the process. Love is all there is when we let go. Namaste.

Happily Ever After

2010-08-05T18:54:00.000+02:00

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a princess. A princess so beautiful, her Light shone, mesmerizing the people of the land. They talked only of her purity and kindness and regularly left gifts at the steps to her castle to show their appreciation for her being in their lives. Daily she sat by the river with all her nature friends, dreaming of the day when her handsome prince would come to her. Her knowing was so strong that from afar, every now and then, the handsome prince would look up from what he was doing and sense the love from his princess from across the miles. His heart yearned for her and it stirred him so deep that he knew without a doubt that she was his angel.

Then one day, the handsome prince awoke to the energy of the strongest passion he had ever encountered and decided that today was the day he would go to his beloved and commit his life to her. The time was right and the Gods were willing him to go and seek her.

Mounting his humble steed he rode hard until his horse broke a sweat. Finally he reached the castle. Dismounting, he wandered through the surrounding meadow to the river where she bathed. A breeze of his presence brushed her face and she was filled with the deepest love she had ever felt. She looked up and there before her with his eyes shining with deep gratitude and happiness, was her handsome prince. He fell to his knees and she ran to him with arms open to surround him with the love that was within him all along. The connection created a union so deep, the very heart of Mother Earth beat in their chests. She mounted his horse and he lead her to the castle where they bonded their love in the most exquisite love making. Heaven and earth rang the bells of love as they committed their lives and love, happily ever after.

Ahhhhhh....writing this, for a brief moment, I really got lost in the notion of being part of the fairy tale ! The notion of prince and princess, castles, romance and deep unbreakable love, STILL takes me off into dream wonderland. So what about you ?Let yourself feel it. Maybe in there somewhere among your buried thoughts, is the cotton wool world of your own version of a happily ever after story that is alive and kicking.

Traditional fairy tales may be confined to kiddies books, but see how the thread of the “happily ever after” consciousness, is around us every day of our lives. Movies such as Braveheart, Robin Hood and even dear old Shrek, have served to reach a place deep in our hearts which in many ways keeps us chained to searching for “the one” “our soul mate” “my twin flame”.

We have grown up with such strong conditioning from the world of movies, songs and Mills and Boon style books, that although fantasy is great, it is just that, fantasy. But not to be a party pooper, we must know that happily ever after is achievable but with alot of self awareness and a willingness to grow beyond our chains/blocks and to move forward with our partners in happily separate connectedness !

So coming back to you. Even though you may initially poo poo the notion of the fairy tale ending, it may be playing itself out in your expectation of how you think love should be with your partner or spouse. In your mind what is “right” to be able to achieve bliss and happiness may not be your partners idea of happily ever after and indeed they may have had the fairy tale proverbially knocked out of them along their life path, so treading with caution and gentleness would help.

Coming back to movies. I remember a friend going to the cinema a few years ago with her sister-in-law to see “PS I Love You” and upon arriving at home afterwards, finished with her husband on the spot, telling him that he had never loved her like Gerard Butler did his wife, in the movie and knew in her heart that it was over. Now this is an extreme I grant you, but it proves that what we think love should be, can often run our love lives.

So what can you do if your idea of happily ever after hasn’t happened and you feel it never will, no matter how hard you try ?

Here’s a clue..self awareness, self awareness, self awareness ! Every thought and feeling about anything, begins and end with you. It is NEVER the other persons fault for not loving you or making happen what you want to happen. We must give ourselves the love and care first and as the Law of Attraction kicks in, we attract love as a magnet from within us, FIRST. That seems to be the way !

Understand and self enquire into your expectations of love. Pain only comes to us when we are chained by our thoughts of what it should or shouldn’t be. Take a quiet moment to really investigate those feelings. Watch a romantic movie and notice how you feel. I used to feel a deep inner sadness and was, more often than not, deeply affected long after the movie had finished. Even the modern versions of King Kong had me boo hooing ! For me, it was a deep sense of never being loved truly madly deeply by a man and the perceived lack of “man love” kept me chained to the hope that one day my knight would ride into my life. In the mean time, I felt something was missing and the inner story of that reigned long until only a few years ago.

It may help to sit and talk to your partner or a dear friend about how you feel about love in general. Often those close to us can be of great help and comfort just by listening. Express what’s sitting deep inside. You maybe be surprised at what comes up and with their help you may be able to come to some conclusions and even revelations.

Not long ago, a dear friend said to me, when she was in pain over her man, “the thing is Gina, love equals pain for me”. My heart and empathy went out to her. So many people feel the same. Chained to fear of loss, we pull love towards us then push it away like a never ending yo-yo.

John Demartini, one my idols in the field of awakening human consciousness, once said “ True love is not nice, kind, sweet, positive. It is, nice and mean, kind and cruel, positive and negative, supporting and challenging, peaceful and warful, co-operative and competitive. Once we redefine love as a balance of complementary opposite states we realise that we are surrounded by love 24 hours a day. As long as we are looking for love in a one sided form (happily ever after), we will be looking for love our whole life and miss it”. So true.

Know that true love is a balance of opposites. Traditional Christian wedding vows talk about “for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer”. Accept that any perceived negativity is part of the cycle of life. Love and relationships ebb and flow, like day and night or birth and death. Happily Ever After misses one thing, its opposite. Fairy tale land is only ever good and happy. The balance of opposite is missing. It may sound crazy but we need opposites to create equilibrium in our lives. Attachment through craving and desire keep us chained and ultimately we suffer. Like it or not, this is reality. “Love what is”, as Byron Katie so rightly puts.

My story has a very happy ending. One I thought only happened in books. My knight did indeed ride into my life this year but dear readers, only after I truly stopped a few years ago to take a long hard look at myself, my love life, men, sex and all that had made up my book of tragic and other love stories. To TRULY look within and release myself was the only thing left for me to do after many years of trying to create the happily ever after story. As I released myself from old thought patterns and found the missing piece of the inner love jigsaw, which was a very subtle but definite shift, I no longer felt the need to cry myself to sleep over movies and songs. I had found the true meaning of “loving myself before we can love another” and the need to search for my soul mate, left me, for the first time in 25 years. Bliss !

If you feel that love equals pain and you want to really get to grips with it once and for all, I would love to hear from you. My website www.consciousunion.co.uk gives you more insight and inspiration into my way and thinking about conscious relationship creation and I offer consultations in a number of easy ways.

In the mean time become the love you want to attract. Namaste.

The Perfection Infection

2010-07-20T18:08:00.000+02:00

Think of a time when you were first dating someone you eventually went on to spend some life path time with. Ahhh remember the heady days of the romantic stage, fondly known as the honeymoon period. He/she could do no wrong, you noticed every little detail about the way they walked, talked and dressed and you positively brimmed over with pride and lust and maybe a sprinkling of early love! Your body was feeding you with love hormones and everything was just rosy in nest heaven.

Then one morning you wake and roll over to find that your honey isn’t looking quite so hot and the dialogue starts in your head. “I really must tell him to get his beard trimmed”, “long chest hair really isn’t in these days, it’s so 80’s!”, “not that tie-dye shirt again!”, “I really don’t like that deodorant he uses”. Now, part of you is shocked at how you really didn’t see this before but the other half is saying “well the little changes will make him better”…..but better for who? Maybe he likes long chest hair, tie-dye shirts (now that’s a tough one….lol) and Brut deodorant!

Now I will write my observation, gentlemen that it seems to be us girls that need the perfection infection ointment more than you do, but c’mon I know you have made a little tweak here and there eh? One of the biggest things men complain about is the frustration of being pressured to change in some way. But we all know that chasing around trying to change image or behaviours to suit others’ happiness is NOT the answer because it never stops.

A friend of mine and I have laughed many times about how we needed our partners looking hot to trot and a bad haircut or a flabby body or Primark clothing just ain’t acceptable. Another friend who I used to work with would break up with a guy if he was wearing the “wrong” watch or the “wrong” socks. It is funny but can be an OCD when it gets that out of order!

I KNOW you have been there, so as you sit there tittering, think about the subtle little things that have crept up on you both where you have felt totally compelled to make a change request to your other half. We have ALL done it. I admit it is hard not to. I find myself justifying subtle requests to my boyfriend even now. Thankfully he is so comfortable with himself that it is a choice he knows he has to honour himself every time whether it feels good to make a change or not. Good for him!

There are degrees though. Image change requests come in various forms from completely new hair cuts and wardrobes down to a minor beard trim or change of lipstick colour perhaps. Behaviours are harder because they are often ingrained and change requests on that level can and will irk at childhood and past wounds and only the right dialogue can sort it out.

So if your partner is trying to change you, what can you do?

My number one answer would be, take time to be with their comments and see how it feels to you. Does it suddenly make you feel deflated or if you admit it, yeah they have got a point and maybe even the change would be good! Maybe I do need to look at my wardrobe or think about spoiling for a few less rows. If you resist every time you will only make it harder. Now I am not saying go on change to suit your partner but feeling the inner stirrings of intuition you will get a hit of whether it feels good or bad.

If you constantly reject your loved one’s comments then maybe you do need to look a little further within and ask yourself, where does this come from? Is it helping our relationship if I do this? If you constantly change at every uttering of your partner then again, self inquire. Many people will blame others for showing them stuff about themselves and simply refuse to learn whatever lesson is there to learn. Fine, we all have free will apparently (I could contest that one though!) so we can make it difficult or easy. It’s a choice. Everything on the surface is like an iceberg, deeper meaning is always present. You have every answer inside of you, but getting involved and engaging in the dramas of the mind will never afford you the space to be still and simply notice.

If you really want to keep your image nuances and certain attitudes, because it feels ok with you, then boundaries are important. It’s OK TO BE YOU and so with gentle and kind dialogue you can thank your partner for their comments, or use the dialogue technique I offered in a past blog. This will keep your relational space healthy and your identity and personality in tact. Win win!

Every person you have ever met or spent time with is a mirror for you and the way you deal with that can be a good experience every time if you choose. It’s just your story and perception that can make learning either bad or good. Think about it. Stories are just that and oh boy the mind is full of them. How often have you simply observed the inner dialogue of the mind on any given day and marvelled at your mind’s ability to whip you here and there and get you to believe and emote from its incessant ramblings.

When we believe the stories then we are caught in a movie that can swing out of control very easily. So for example, when your beloved says in a lovely way “darling I really think this colour shirt suits you not that one” watch your story…you may think “why oh why does she insist on disagreeing with me” or “hey yeah she’s got a point I do look good in this”. See? It’s all stories really, so keep open in every moment and observe your minds urge to jump to negativity. Byron Katie, a prominent figure in the field of awakening human consciousness, has a process called The Work which will help you blast through the stories that keep you suffering. http://www.thework.com/index.php

And if you are the one with a mild or acute dose of the perfection infection, what can you do?

I am not one to dish out practical dos and don’t because my belief is that all ailments of this kind start from within us so….

Observe yourself. Notice and become aware of the underlying thoughts and feelings that build into words that flow out of your mouth before you have had good time to understand what is happening at a deeper level. Be still and feel it wherever it arises in your body and stay with it until is passes. The law of nature is impermanence, whatever rises, passes away and that goes for emotions. Whenever you feel urges or feelings, however good or bad they appear, they always disappear eventually. Watch yourself and see that we are simply blended with nature just as every animal or plant.

Respect your partner’s boundaries. The quality of your communication in terms of words and body language is all important. One thing many people struggle with in life is being able to be fully authentic, and that can’t be born if you are constantly trying to make changes to your honey. Allow them to invite you in. Imagine a boundary around someone’s property. You wouldn’t leap the fence and run amuck in the garden un-invited, now would you!

Try a little self acceptance. Look at where you are constantly trying to make YOU perfect, because the infection starts and ends within. You may be nagging yourself at all angles about how you look, dress and behave with others without realising it and oh boy that’s tiring! A heck a lot of energy is expended through self talk, doubt and being inwardly harsh. Give yourself a break! Notice your tendency to self berate. Inward dissatisfaction nearly always appears as projections onto your loved one.

Find some joy in everything you say and do. The dance of your relationship can be an easy one if you always approach your beau with an intention to love and honour them every time you communicate. I think we all try and alter our partners in someway and probably always will. Some things will improve and feel great and some not. I liken these idiosyncrasies in life to the rich tapestry of learning that comes our way. There is learning in every moment of every day, that’s Earth school for you. So you can ruin it with negative stories or have regular “ah ha!” moments and marvel at the wonders of what life brings you. It’s a choice.

Lastly I believe that living with the mind is a task of gradual and life long mastery. It will try to sabotage you and tell you what’s not right and what you should do in every situation. Not easy when you think that it lives in your head (apparently)! The collective mind once created world wars and kept humanity chained to misery, but gradually we are learning and changing and dropping into our hearts more and more. Think of times when you are touched to your deepest place by someone or something and in that moment how the mind seems irrelevant, because you feel enough love to fill the Universe.

For your amusement and finally...at the time of writing I asked my boyfriend to cast his keen eye over this article, because I value his opinion on what I write about. I was packing boxes at his flat and all went very quiet for a very long time at his laptop. With curiosity I went to see what he was doing only to find him ‘mmmming’ and ‘errrrring’ over some changes that he thought might be useful....we both fell about laughing. I rest my case.

Blessings and love

God and your Relationship – 3 doesn’t have to be a crowd

2010-06-30T18:54:00.000+02:00

Those first glorious moments of spiritual or religious awakening can be huge. As we begin to open and seek our true ”selves” we start to ask questions such as “who am I?” or “why am I here?”. The first experience that connects you to your inner self is one of the most, or maybe best of your life and it’s only natural you want to share it. You find yourself reviewing jobs, friends, values, beliefs and your relationship tends to come under the spotlight very quickly because often your dear heart is the first to be affected by the chrysalis of the “new me” starting to form.

The changes however can often cause us to fall out of sync with our partner resulting in conflict and a new attitude of “but my way is a better way for both of us darling”. The one who is awakening can become spiritually egoistic and develop a bad case of spiritual righteousness and will try to drag their partner to all sorts of events and meditation groups in an effort to “help” them find God among the incense and “Om”ing and tell them what to eat to raise “their vibration” to a higher level. It is no wonder then that many partners want to *** off eventually!

As an educator, I see many couples with the “dragger and draggee” disease often manifesting as a tiring tug o’ war game. Generally, but not exclusively, the awakened ones happen to be the women who get terribly distressed because after a weekend retreat or workshop, for example, hubby is not ready to brim over with the same excitement and enthusiasm that their inner journey has cleared out another morsel of their emotional closet. “My needs are not being met”, “I don’t feel heard”, “He just doesn’t get it” are some of the clichéd words I often hear and at some level they believe their partner is frequently resisting the urge to phone the nearest rehab clinic which makes them feel like a freak. Not easy.

I have a dear friend who was persuaded by her husband to go to the doctor because he believed there was something radically wrong with her and she obviously needed pills! It may sound funny but it can become a matter of psycho analysis that can drive both parties nuts as a gradual erosion of what was a generally happy and content relationship, takes place as the newly God filled person races ahead.

At this point I would offer that, in terms of my own personal experience in spiritual awakening, that “it” or God, if you will, chose me not the other way around. I believe we don’t’ have a choice in awakening. You can choose kicking or screaming as the route or the let go and surrender one. Often we bounce between the two dragging our partner by the hair. Ouch!

7 years ago my dear dad passed and with that deep experience came a very natural and effortless meeting of people, courses, books that would create my future. I have loved and agonised over my spiritual development but somewhere deep in me that requires no understanding is a truth that this is exactly where I want to be beyond all things and even relationships with people in general. I believe I am at consequence to a greater force and going with the flow through whatever comes is the easiest route…although it takes practise!

Where I am today is undoubtedly the happiest and most content place so far on “my path”. Has my growth affected my relationships? You bet. Every time. I have been in more than a couple of relationships since I “woke up” which I feel now to be learning grounds, not regrets. In the background I was being propelled along by somewhat unconscious forces, meeting lots of people, reading and qualifying at various complimentary therapies and in the middle of it all was still having trouble in my love life but making the excuse that “well he’s not as spiritual as me, so no wonder this relationship isn’t working” as a way to explain my failing partnerships. I thought I knew better than them and indeed perhaps yes growth rates were different, but different to what?

Many times I have heard “we are all spiritual beings having a human experience” so none of us can claim to be more spiritual than the other really if that story has any grain of truth. But it is so easy to fall into a trap of judging the rights and wrongs of others based on what you believe to be the truth or the right way of life. When we judge from a perceived religious or spiritual angle it is just as harmful as judging about anything else. Don’t forget that truly God like people radiate endless love, compassion and understanding. They rarely judge. They are humble and don’t feel the need to preach or convert the unwashed.

Symbiotic relationships are those that function on great attachment and a feeling of needing the other to fulfil happiness and desires. These relationships can suffer the greatest casualties when one partner starts to understand that happiness does come from within first and the other person wonders what the heck has become of their once needy and comfortable partner.

So how can we become more aware of our spiritual or religious transformation while preserving and strengthening our relationship?

Firstly try to practise the art of allowing. Allow your partner to be different. Your hobby of new found awakening is just yours. I call it a hobby for purposes of comparison with perhaps golf, tennis or tiddly winks that may stir the heart of your boy/girlfriend. You may never see any joy or fun in buying the latest putter but to them it’s as much an elixir in terms of inner joy as the latest writings of Byron Katie.

Understand that your metamorphosis can cause insecurity and worries for your loved one. Take the time to listen and understand their concerns and always the right communication (as discussed in previous articles) will see you both through anything, given a good lump of love and understanding.

Never be under the illusion that your partner should think or be like you. Symbiotic relationships are ultimately unhappy. Differentiation is healthy and the only way forward. Loving your partner because they are different must be the goal. Loving someone warts n all is a challenge for sure, but in the accepting of them you accept yourself. What a relief in the long run!

An age old saying I know but put yourself in your partners shoes as much as you can. For example, don’t assume that changing your house and relationship space into little India will make your partner eventually see the Light. If you came home to find a putting green installed in the middle of your living room, I am sure you would have something to say about it!

By all means share your life together but in a give and take way. Avoid the tendency to know best about God and the Universe, because whatever you have read is only another person’s take on it, a story in essence. Your interpretation of what you know is just that, so share it with your honey rather than ram it as the new gospel according to you. We all have a path that we have an inner yearning to follow whatever are our passions and desires and no one human is the same as another so what fires me won’t be the same as my man but in sharing life it means we can enjoy some of the same things and others we do with others or alone. How good is that!

And lastly one of the biggest and most interesting observations I have made is that even if a couple are following the same spiritual or religious persuasion the relationship is not guaranteed to be a happily ever after.

The educational work I do with couple theorises that healing and growth into wholeness and to complete the unfinished business of childhood, is its ultimate goal. Through suffering in the past you may find yourself on a spiritual or religious path to give you an anchor and a feeling of safety and at all costs you are going to hang onto that as the only right way to be when you enter a relationship. Certain tools or methods may work for you when you experience the next difficult place in life but not your partner and if you are both trying to “tool” each other then you have double whammy know-alls thinking they know best.

As I have mentioned already I believe we are being guided and shown the way every day of our lives and our deepest instinct is the compass for life so simply loving the now and the person you are with is all you can do…let go.

Is Love Something to Obtain ?

2010-06-17T01:40:00.000+02:00

I get an overriding sense these days, upon observation of the many trials and tribulations in 21st Century relationships, that the ultimate goal is about getting love from a partner like it is something to be owned....a possession or a thing; but how that method is working less and less and causing more and more angst and tug o’ war games.

The meaning of human existence and our drive for connectedness with others and to receive and give love is a universal. Many spiritual masters talk of us "being love". They say we cannot NOT be connected and we cannot NOT be love....so if that is true, why is there so much strife in the arena of love relationships where the focus appears to be on extracting love from the other ? No wonder it causes conflict and is painful !

I believe, we really do spend disproportionate amounts of time trying to "get" love. I witness and talk with people who come and see me for educational work, who are way outside of their true selves because they seem to be working for love like the coal miners do at the coal face. Picture the scene.

A common thread certainly throughout my life, but lately listening to my single clients, is this... “Being alone doesn’t feel right. There is something missing.” I really do get that. I used to say it ALL the time and cry over movies with happy endings, wishing and longing to find that certain someone.

But all along it was only the “feeling” of love within me that was perceived missing and so the mission of seek and find for that pearl in the oyster of another, continued. Maybe this feeling keeps us chained to a path of trying to find someone to get love from them, when they do turn up. Poor them, every time !

Many of my clients spend a heap of time talking to me about what their lover or past love didn't do for them and a whole lot more time telling me about what they said and did that made them unhappy. Because, I believe, their time is heavily invested in trying to get love and so the focus remains outside of themselves. If only we could work them out, we would get more love...right?! Like love is the ultimate treasure and all we need is the right map with “X marks the spot” ! Then sadly the emotional drilling commences to find love and hey presto conflict arises.

Getting anything from your partner will only end in tears eventually. It amounts to manipulation of another human being and nothing more. Trying to get love is like saying “I don’t have enough love and it’s your job to give it to me”. Wrong !

So, what am I saying ? We must start with inner love first. Easy to say, difficult to achieve. How many times have you heard, growing up, "you gotta love yourself, before you can love another". I used to say " I do !!!" with a frustrated tone, but really I didn't because I was always trying to get love and harming myself in the process.

So how do you learn to love yourself ? Is it really achievable ? Well yes but my only real teaching is this.

The road to self love comes through firstly self awareness and with that awareness how you can come home to and learn to love and accept yourself, with your relationship as the mirror and healer. If we "are love" then we need to be able to see it and our partner is our mirror for that. Maybe then, true self love comes with another person. When you feel deep love, your partner is just reflecting back to you what is coming from you. Maybe this is "being love" then we are no longer seeking it ? A thought to mull.

Gangaji, a truly incredible teacher of humanity says “what is here when I stop trying to get anything ? And how much of that is already here and where does that begin and end ? And...am I willing to trust that ?” She believes there is nothing we need to be, get or do and that our prayer must be for openness to ourselves in every moment. This is profound and “whoa !”, but the teaching is about knowing that all we need is right here in every moment, if we choose to see it. Self enquiry is the only way to realisation of the “self”, Gangaji believes. A life dedicated to the blessings of learning about yourself from all your relationships. What, in essence, could be better than that ?

So if the Law of Attraction and all it stands for, is working as they say it does, then we must become love in order to attract the same. Be love and you have love, there is nothing to seek.

Happy summer everyone !

Blessings and love

Warts 'n' All

2010-05-12T22:02:00.000+02:00

You are beautiful no matter what you say ! But do you accept yourself as the saying goes “warts and all ?”. My wish for everyone in a relationship is that they feel safe enough to be authentic every day of their lives, but authenticity requires being real and accepting that we are what we are now and that’s not an easy place for many. Think of someone who you admire because they are being themselves. There is no proving or showing off or acting, it’s just that they have learned that inner peace and happiness comes from being real through and through and in my experience I always enjoy being around authentic people. Their inner beauty shines through and is magnetic to others.

Talking with clients and friends it seems we may all have a hidden side that only comes into being when alone. You can say and do what the hell you like when no-one is watching... right ! Expressing deep emotion, for example, for some people only feels ok to do alone for fear of others thinking they are weak or crazy or pathetic. But deep emotions are part of us and what a shame if we feel we have to hide it from others.

Our intimate partnerships are a place where our “warts” or painful bits tend to show up magnified. Once the heady days of romance have tailed off and the sleeves are rolled up for the real business of getting along together, our other half seems with skill, to bring our warts to the surface ! So what of these warts and what do they look like ?

For a moment, imagine the darker sides of you as unhealed parts of your past. Without fail we all carry disappointments and negative experiences from perhaps our childhood, school and relationships with others and alot of these past experiences hang around in the body, mind and spirit. Partners have the amazing knack of pressing the “don’t go there” buttons, but why ?

Well Imago Theory (www.gettingthelove.com) states that the unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood negative experiences, will be reflected back to us in our intimate relationship for the specific job of being healed and with the aim to return to “wholeness”, which for me means authenticity, “the real me”. Fascinating theory. No wonder then, when these painful spots show up in our relationship, it is the source of conflict and suffering, because the two people involved don’t know what is really trying to happen.

Our underlying aim in life, I believe, is to be approved of and to feel we have a place on this Earth through the giving, but specifically the receiving of love. But as we grow through the delicate stages of childhood our need for love, approval and connection can and is affected by others around us. If we expressed or behaved in ways that were deemed inappropriate we avoided those ways, even if really they were ok at some level, in order to remain approved of. Ringing any bells ?

So as we grew we continued to look upon those ways of being, as bad or wrong, hence the “warts” that formed and that we dutifully carry for years. But in essence, the truth of human kind is that we are all born with a full range of expressions, emotions, behaviours that if nurtured correctly will allow our wholeness to remain as we progress through life. Sadly many of us reach adulthood with many a wart to bear and still feeling, as we did in childhood, that it is not ok to be that way or this.

Looking within, we are told more and more nowadays, is the only way forward. I believe this to be true. At some point, if we are to lead a life full of deep inner peace and happiness, we do need to be brave enough lay our “inner house” out on the lawn in front of us and look and learn to love all those tender parts. How you do it is up to you. Today’s urge towards a more conscious, happy and authentic life is expression to the fact that we are all seeking to purge our past baggage in some form or other, so we can feel more love and happiness. There is a multitude of great ways to help out there and I know you will find it if you feel the need, but where I am focused is around how you can become accepted and approved of in your relationship.

I work with people all the time, couples especially, who have a great desire to be seen by their loved one warts and all, but are too afraid to show their darker side for fear of being left, an ingrained childhood miasm sadly. Through the creation of a safe nurturing environment and with the dialogue of exploration and curiosity, I help people express themselves in a way that they have never felt comfortable to do so, before. The beauty in these moments is huge, as each partner takes the other’s hand and with childlike steps helps them walk the journey towards fullness and wholeness with love and respect. I really enjoy these experiences which are for me, about real love.

Whether single or part of a couple, I can help you realise that it is ok to be you. Why not give me a call. I have been there, believe me.

What you can do in the mean time

• Know that right here, right now, every part of you has a place in this world and you deserve to be you and be accepted by ALL who know you.

• Make a choice to understand what your warts look like and begin to learn to accept yourself as much as you can. There is a whole heap of help out there if you feel the need to talk to someone about self esteem and past issues.

• Observe what feels painful for you in interactions with family, friends or partners and dare to look behind what it really means for you. Where are those feelings really coming from ?

• Are you running from your darker side ? If so, choosing to stop and be brave enough to explore those parts, will take you towards your dream of being real and authentic. I guarantee your life will be richer and more abundant than you could ever imagine when you learn that it is ok to be a human being with all the colours that go to make us all up !

• In your relationship, is your partner willing to explore your and their stuff ? True acceptance of the self, I believe, comes in our love relationship. The right communication will bring about the acceptance you so longed for. See my previous article about communication and how you can explore each other’s past wounds.

Obervation to Preservation

2010-04-22T14:00:00.000+02:00

I was inspired today after my hot yoga class, to write about how people really get stuck in to the drama of their emotions. I watched people as they literally fought with their bodies throughout the class, one to deal with the extreme temperatures which were well over 80 degrees and two, to force their bodies into postures that "dear old bod" was not ready for. One guy especially caught my attention. It tickled me pink by the end of the class. He literally pumped out a dialogue of puffing and panting loudly and even during Savasana (relaxation) at the end, the whole class was subject to his deep "ahhhhhhs" and sighs as he came to terms with the marathon that his body clearly had disliked with a passion !

And it made me think...if we feel something and allow the drama of it to take a grip and manifest ...what then ? Some peoples outbursts can register on the Richter Scale and those around them have to run for hills to take cover. I am sure you know or have known someone like this ! How do you feel around that "threat" ? Eggshell treading becomes the norm to keep the peace.

I work with couples in conflict and it sprouts grand from triggered emotions which can erode the relationship and the people in it gradually over time. Now I am not saying we should all go around holding in our emotions. Lord knows historical social conditioning has sent alot of people on a quest to express, but it's WHY we should observe ourselves when our pain body is activated. 9 times out of 10 reaction based on "this is what I am feeling now so you are gonna get it", never works. Think of the times you have done it. You are more pissed at yourself which serves to increase inner pain and then you gotta dig yourself out of it with flowers, apologies and massages ...or whatever !

I spent 10 days meditating at a retreat last summer in Hereford. Vipassana is the extreme sport of meditation. You spend 10 days in complete silence and spend 10 hours of each day meditating. I was never one to do things by halves ! The roots of this meditation technique are based in mindfulness and spending the whole time in observation of "the self" was one of the most profound things I had ever done. You get to witness the ramblings of the mind and its ability to take you off on tangents, in and out of stories and how it can play games with you if left to its own devices. It was scary and bizarre and incredible all at once. During meditation time we were guided to simply observe whatever sensation or emotion arose in the body and watch it pass without reacting. It did, without fail, every time. Sitting and meditating without moving a hair on my head, or to scratch an itch or move to ease a shoulder ache gave me the ability to be able to see how our mind wants to drag us into the emotional and mental drama in the moment. As feelings and painful memories came and went I saw how if I just observed, things pass. Just as night turns to day and life in its endless cycle, ebbs and flows, so do we, in this great cosmic soup. It was the best "me" training I had ever experienced and its benefits are with me every day now. Sure I feel triggered when my boyfriend "pushes my buttons" from the past, but I am way better able to articulate what is happening in me, without stripping layers of skin off him with my heated words. Thank God he didn't meet me years ago !

Emotions rise and they pass and if we can just know that whatever we are urged to feel in the moment, will pass, then we have greater awareness to be able to do something about it. Conflict is painful and often ugly and way too reactive and I have witnessed throughout my life what it can do. My dad, God rest his soul, was the master of reactive outbursts and like a dutiful daughter I learnt that way to communicate too. In my early teenage years for example, I kicked hell into the kitchen cupboards if I spilled sugar on the floor by mistake. I always felt bad but at the same time compelled like a battering ram to do whatever "came up". Anger management was not my strong point !

Past painful memories and unresolved childhood wounds sit like snakebites in our bodies and minds waiting to be triggered so we can look at them and with the help of a partner, can heal and grow beyond them. Our intimate relationship can and will activate those snakebites and is the only relationship that creates the right conditions for this to happen. It is what "is meant" in the grand scheme of this Universal Plan, to help us return to our wholeness and allow the "real us" to show up.

So when you next feel triggered into reactive defensive behaviour with your partner or loved one, wait a few moments and sit with what it is they are bringing up for you. Your body will let you know the signs immediately.

Cortisol, a reactive hormone is released in your body during these moments and prepares you for "fight or flight". The first 20 mins of this cortisol reaction is the time when it is the most risky to express how you feel. You want to fire off a text (or 100 !), you want to chuck nasty words to wound your partner for daring to hurt you with their words, you want to stomp about the house and slam doors, or at worst you want to harm your partner physically.

In perspective, when you feel triggered it is 90% your stuff and only 10% theirs. What is arising for you is yours and no one else's. You need to own it and more importantly take responsibility for it. You have a choice right in that moment. Reacting is exhausting so, with willpower, choose a different way. I guarantee it will be a better way.

Get into the habit of self observation. Think "ahh I am being triggered" and be curious about it rather than engaging in the drama of the potential lava flow of emotions. Watch it as it surfaces in your body. Feel the sensations, the anger, sadness or whatever and simply "be" with it until it passes. It will, every time. Blocking it from arising will only create more fear in the long run as you start to live with the fight or flight syndrome and run from it time and again. Your partner's job IS to push your buttons but in doing so, is helping you ultimately face the unhealed bits of you.

If you need to rant and I am not saying it's not healthy to, set up time alone or with a mate to get it off your chest. I do think it is a good idea to get it out, but the danger comes when the reaction is aimed to harm your partner from what it is perceived they have to done to upset you.

The aim is to be able to say in a rational controlled fashion "honey I feel really triggered by what you have just said and I need a little time to allow it to subside. Can we talk about it a bit later ? (or now depending on how you feel)" This way you preserve your relationship space and save yourself the pain of allowing the emotion to damage your mind and body. I have tried it and it works and I can't tell you enough what a revelation it is to feel in control of me but in a self respecting way. It works wonders for preserving your precious relationship and hey presto as the Law of Attraction kicks in, your partner can stay connected and feel respected as you both mature into a better way to communicate.

Honour yourself from today by observing and preserving the delicate nature of you that is trying to make its way in this world. As you grow others will naturally help you. We are all in it with you.

Blessings and love

Find the Love You Really Want – Why Waste Time ?

2010-04-14T15:31:00.000+02:00

I have always have a number of topics to write about on the subject of romance and relationships. In fact the list is endless; but one pressing subject I want to chat about as the sunny season of hope springs forth, is that educating your "self" in the art of creating successful relationships is the only way forward. Wouldn't you love to save a whole lot of heartache and time ?

Consciousness seems to be the major buzz word on the planet now. In essence it means becoming aware and the first place we must start is with ourselves. So unless in a relationship you know and are aware of what you are giving off how can you expect to fix the problems ? You are one half of the problem that exists I am sorry to say. What we allow, even if our partner is abusive, is still our problem and in the allowing, we self harm.

So once inward focus is recognised then we can start to understand and know what makes us tick in relationships and more to the point start to own and take responsibility for our part in the dynamics. When I truly "got it" I realised that I had been blindly blaming my partner choices on them. Ugh ! I had to grow up a little and make the changes necessary to change the dance I had been dancing for 25 years. It was revolutionary ! Sadly alot of people don’t want to make changes to their behaviour and continue to think their partner is the one to blame. But in doing so they only delay inner growth and healing.

So what does relationship education give you that you won't learn by just experiencing ?

1) Understanding that it is GOOD to have boundaries and when you have none love won't come to you easily. When you are boundaryless you will keep letting in unwanted behaviour from others and you will find it tough establishing the REAL you.

2) When you are triggered into conflict or a row with your partner it is 90% your issue and only 10% theirs. Triggered emotions feel like small snake bites inside and the pain inflicted is coming from an unhealed part of you. It is virtually never what you find to argue about..lid off the toothpaste or peeing on the toilet seat... it is about the unconscious meaning that experience has for you from the past.

3) When you are in conflict with your beau, you will either respond by closing down and not wanting to face the "music" and boy the music can be loud ! Or, you want to talk it through and keep nagging at your partner until you get the space to do so. These two “styles” of people will always meet and fall in love and it is why and how you communicate through that is essential in the path to deep communion in love. Otherwise " 'er in doors" becomes the flavour of pub talk !

4) An ability to look at and understand the past when you were growing up with your parents or caretakers and to come to know that your partner choices in adulthood reflect a deep unconscious desire to heal past "wounds" from childhood. Don't be offended when I use the word wounded because human beings are hugely diverse and complicated and parents do their level best to bring us up in a balanced way. However, it is and was impossible to have our needs met 24/7 as we grew up and some of the negative experiences hang around in our memories from the young delicate little people we once were and become the snake bites that I have discussed, later on.

5) Partner choices, for your childhood healing process to be completed, are mostly unconscious. In other words you may consciously choose, for example, they have a great physical appearance and embody the things that excite you but what makes you fall head over heels and gets you intrinsically "hooked" will be largely motivated by your brain and its past experiences, mostly negative ones with your folks, and it is merely trying to re-create those "playgrounds" of experience to replay the movie and gain a successful outcome this time around. In other words, you will unconsciously choose those partners who embody mostly the negative traits of your parents/caretakers in order to re-create the same situations from childhood where this time around you can heal. This is a deep one to accept I know and people say to me how so you know it is true Gina ? Well because I see it everywhere I look. Men cry quite alot ...."god she is just like my mother !" and for good reason. But not knowing why sets up further conflict and an eventual need to rid yourself of this person, rather than to know and thank that this person who has annoyingly turned up to help you heal from the past !

6) Relationships have a cycle. The honeymoon phase allows the bonding of attraction with the above motivation in mind, to heal from childhood. But this bonding is without fail followed by the conflict stage or "power struggle" as the wounds that need to heal come up to the surface and this shows up as....what you once loved about your partner is now annoying the hell out of you ! Learning how to move beyond this tricky stage needs help and is only done through the right type of communication. Most couples come to me during the conflict stage because they are programmed to respond with the learned behaviours from the past and so I teach them how to add to the bag of tools and help them learn that we must honour and respect the other in their differences.

7) The relationship space. I have written about this already but my teaching focuses on couples seeing that what they give to the relationship, rather than what they take from it, heals and grows the quality of the relationship and the other.

8) And finally, healing, self love and acceptance come from learning about yourself and arming yourself with this valuable knowledge WILL shift who you attract and improve the quality of your relationships.

Honouring and knowing what is coming from you is the beginning of your journey to successful and healthy relationships. Get in touch when you need a hand along that path and together I will help you see the real beauty of you as you return to love.

To Text or Not to Text, that is the question ?

2010-04-01T16:14:00.000+02:00

Leading nicely on from my last piece about how to "tool up" to communicate properly in your relationship, I find myself compelled to mention the wonderful world of non-verbal communication, in particular, texting. Daily life seems to cocoon us more and more within the world of laptops and virtual relationships with others and as well as the plethora of benefits in terms of connecting us with ever larger circles of people, it can, in intimate relationships, kill some of the essence of good old fashioned face to face dialogue.

Now I am not saying texting is bad because indeed it has its benefits. For example, sending a sweet nothing to your loved one as they journey through their day, just to show you care, is lovely... or to wish them luck when they are just about to head into an interview. It saves money on a phone call and sometimes for a quick word or two, it's not necessary to speak.

I guess I just want to explore and share my thoughts on using texting to communicate when you really do need to talk.

I have been guilty, if I can call it that, of trying to get my point across when I was peed off about something in my previous relationships. My intention ? To tell him how I feel and then shut him out because I need to run away for a while ! My defence plan "You are gonna know how I feel, but you are gonna have to run after me to fix it !" Crazy huh ! But that's me. Think about how you use texting when you want to say something but are and this is the point, afraid to speak the words.

I have learnt about two styles of behaving in conflict in relationships. I will call these two folk, minimisers and maximisers for the purpose of illustration. Maximisers in conflict are usually the more emotionally flowery people who want to talk about everything to sort problems out and they only feel connected when their partner listens and hears them. Maximisers can be overbearing and intense and sometimes can scare their partners with huge outbursts of emotional lava. Texting trends tend to be "hot pursuit" style. A new client said of his girlfriend recently , "She freaks me out sometimes and literally stalks me on text ! I feel trapped and pretty intimidated and can't escape, so I shut her out to get some peace." This is classic !

The opposite style, minimising, is when in conflict, that person's style is to shut down and not talk about what's bothering them in the moment. They believe they are the logical rational ones that never start the rows and they feel they are often the more mature partner in the relationship. Their texting style is often short and sweet and boy, lots of minimisers use texting to keep their maximising partner, at bay. I have a friend who loves texting when her man "starts" cause she can tell him how she feels then turn the phone off to control his octopus style clinging. Sounding familiar ? So in this way texting can nurture your tendency in conflict to remain where you are in your style of learned behaviour i.e. maximising or minimising.

My main point is that texting in conflict will usually inflame rather than smooth, because we can so easily take the words the wrong way. I will agree that sometimes a quick text to say "darling, I feel a little emotional about what you said earlier, can we talk later ?" is ok, because it is stating how you feel rather than chucking a great big hang grenade criticism. But remember with texting, it is the words you use that can aggravate or smooth. So if you feel utterly compelled to text...explain how you feel, NOT what your beau is doing to pee you off. Blaming and shaming never works and on text it's a very detached way of putting your point across.

I had an emotionally intense relationship 3 years ago, where most of my more difficult conversations were on text because I felt afraid of his response. I can't talk for his feelings about it, but it was almost like I couldn't face him for fear that he would leave me at some point. I used to get really upset if he blocked me out and shut down when he was angry, so I would "fire" a text to try and wound him in his rabbit hole, then I would shut down and retreat hoping and praying he would come get me and make it better. Oh what a survival strategy !

Let me go on to use an analogy here. Your world of you, is like an island. On your island, with all your thoughts and feelings and the way you see life, your partner cannot possibly know exactly where you are at because they are on their own island. When you send a text, imagine if you will that it is a flare, it lands on their island and can and will be received with their views and feelings and opinions about what the message is that you have sent. Not how you originally intended. Get me ? The only way to really hear your partner or for them to hear you, is to visit the other's island and be fully present with them, leaving your island behind. This is what I teach in my work. Good old fashioned, heart centred connection where verbal communication, face to face, is the only true way to achieve a healthy conscious relational space.

So often texting can be muddled in its "received" mode. Taking it the wrong way is common. How many times have you got it wrong when someone has texted you and how many times did your receiver take it the "wrong" way from you ? Easy to do. Our previous experiences create a filtering system in our minds and certain words or messages will be absorbed, filtered and according to your values and beliefs you will react according to what your resulting "output" is. Having a conversation with your partner can ease the ability to take it the way to choose, rather than the way they meant it. Our stories about what we think is coming from our partner can be way off the mark, so please, if you to need to say something delicate, say it don't text it...it saves a lot of hassle in the long run !

Finally...next time, as you start to send a text to your loved one in a bad moment, perhaps after a row or even before one, stop and think a little. Does your relationship deserve to have you contributing in this way or would it be better to tell your loved one face to face how you feel about what is happening ?

Enjoy texting for the fun of it...leave the tougher bits to the bravery of talking...go on...you can do it !

Are you speaking the same language ?

2010-03-11T19:21:00.019+01:00

As spring approaches with the promise of new growth and lighter days and as winter's grip loses her hold you may well be starting to think about spring cleaning your life. A few people I know are making big changes in their love relationships including some that are ending because they feel they can't communicate anymore and the lack of being able to speak the same "language" has brought forth ....adios....farewell ..next !

As numbers of people going down the aisle decline, a quarter since 1991 and divorce rates climb, one can't help but wonder what is it that is failing in our world and making us despondent about staying in relationships ?

Movies and songs are ever woven with fairy tale love and happy ever after, keeping us chained to the promise of our soul mate and yet the desire to stay happy and not experience negativity seems to be increasing at the same time.

One of the big misunderstandings in relationships is that 80% of the time conflict and bad patches are inner resistance to growth and healing. Martin Buber, a Jewish Philosopher once said "the gift of relationship is a helpmate in opposition", in other words our loved one is there to push our buttons and help us grow to a place beyond inner conflict, to acceptance of the self and of the other, warts and all...why be in a relationship if you don't have that ? You may say, yes I hear that but I have tried and tried and well I feel like I am making all the effort...I hear you, it simply has to take two to tango. Both of you must be committed to a path of inner growth and healing, period.

So what is the main problem with conflict ? The wrong type of communication. Effective communication is where you leave your judgements, opinions and what you are not getting, to visit the world of the other person and really see the world from their position. True understanding is the healing balm to conflict. You don't have to agree with where your partner is at but you must have an appreciation of the position they are in. You may be surprised what you see when you SEE them in their truth. Your way of taking what they say is often slanted and filtered through your own experiences and oh boy how often we can get it wrong !

Working with couples lately, I have seen TRUE connection happen when the right communication is present. No amount of sex and spending quality time beats the art of the right communication. Just talking doesn't fix it because usually we are trying, even if we think we aren't, to get our needs met in the relationship and one of the worst habits we perpetuate is, we want to be right ! Wanting to get one over on our partner, to be smarter, more spiritual (oooh ..this is bad one !), more intelligent only serves to harm the relational space and it's selfish.

During my training with Imago Relationships International, I was introduced to their main communication tool called The Intentional Dialogue. "It is a basic 3 step process to help people communicate thoughts, feelings or experiences with the intention of being clearly heard and understood and to hear and understand the other. On a deeper level, the Imago Dialogue invites, creates, enhances and preserves connection". At first I cringed, as some of you will, at the thought "not another process". I guess that's my conditioning from the corporate world. But as I have used it in training and working with people I am seeing "soul connective" experiences that leave me in awe of its potential power. That "certain something" that we search our whole lives for and want to be part of, appears when you truly SEE the other in communication.

The process consists of 1) mirroring what the other person says, 2) validating their point of view and then 3) empathising your imagined feelings of other.

How to dialogue

To make this communication work with effect, you need to find the time, first of all, to sit down and be totally present with your loved one. Ask them if it's convenient to talk at a given time. You both need to be ready. Watching TV while eating dinner, is not a good time to dialogue ! Once you have found the space, sit close facing each other and link knees and perhaps hold hands. Body connection, brings a feeling of purpose and safety.

The next vital step is to gaze into each other's eyes and stay visual with each other as much as possible. This will help you to be totally present and help your mate feel that you are really there for them.

Decide who is going to "send"/talk first. Whoever is going to "receive" first make sure you leave your place of judgement, opinion and ego and "visit" your partner's world. Imagine that you each are an island and to talk to your partner, you must travel to their island, which means leaving yours behind. Be fully alert and present to them and only them.

The sender can then start to speak about something that they want to discuss. You then mirror back, as close as possible using the same words, that your partner has said, using "I hear you say that......" For those who love to talk and "transmit" only, this can be tricky because us transmitters are usually preparing what we are going to say next and can miss completely what the other person is saying. Listening is a learned art and mirroring helps us to "get" what the other is REALLY saying. Keep mirroring until the other person has expressed all they want to say by encouraging with "is there more about that ?" and then try (it's not easy !) to summarize what they have said using, again the same words if you can, using "did I get that/you ?" at the end.

Validation follows. Please don't assume that validating means you have to agree with what your partner is saying ! It means "I understand you and I accept your experience". As Imago says "it allows two different worlds to co-exist - the both/and rather than the either/or." When you, as the receiver, start validating your partner after summarising, use the words "it makes sense that...." or "I understand that...." It acknowledges the existence of the sender's internal experiences and perceptions of the world.

The third and final step of the Dialogue, is empathy. The receiver imagines the feelings of the sender by stepping into their shoes. It is important here to verify that the imagined feelings are correct with "I imagine you might be feeling...." Try to steer clear of words such as "must" and "should" because their world is not yours, so don't assume you know what they are feeling.

Over time, we move from communicating with what we see on the outside to touching each other's interior world, as you learn to participate in the world of the other, while holding onto your own separate experience.

Close the dialogue with appreciation and thanks to your partner for sharing their thoughts. This is an important step.

Now I know you may think, as I did at first, boy this seemed a little contrived and stilted. I can't pretend it won't feel awkward to talk in this way initially, because like new shoes you need to keep trying them on to feel comfortable, but after time and with practise, you will find your own energy and words to complete the process that will feel right for you both.

Intentional Dialogue is used extensively in Imago Therapy and is the key tool for shifting blocks in couples who have forgotten how to communicate properly. The main benefit is the re-vitalised and deeper connection that grows from this simple but incredibly effective technique. In my own experience it is valuable to be able to know and accept the differences that exist in other human beings and that often we get it so wrong in our perception of what we think they have said. It has helped me to really listen with intent and to appreciate the essence and deeper beauty of another person.

So try it on, see how it goes and let me know ! You don't necessarily need a partner to do it, you can ask your friends or family ro dialogue with you. This is valuable on so many levels with many people. If you need guidance, please contact me via the web site. I would be happy to guide through this !

Happy communicating all !

When to use Dialogue ?

To express love and appreciation
To simply "connect" by practicing the steps
To be heard and understood
To listen and understand
You are upset about something and want to discuss it
To discuss a topic that might be touchy.

Boundaryless or full ?

2010-02-22T20:13:00.000+01:00

On this rainy UK Monday, slightly jaded, but ready for another amazing week listening to people talk about their love lives, I feel compelled above other love topics, like relationship MOTs, attachment, desire and even sex, to address another fascinating arena in our interactions with significant others. Boundaries. Do you have them ? But more to the point, do you think you should have them ?

As a healer and educator I have seen and see a huge amount of pollution going on in people's lives and energy fields which seems to be reluctantly accepted "stuff" from other peoples baggage and shortcomings. I usually ask people what boundaries they have in place to define the acceptable line "of self" that we all need to function as healthy human beings. Lots of blank looks have come my way on that one.

Boundaries ?...is it not about control and defence and aren't we more unhappy behind them ? Ok, I say, then how do you feel right now knowing you are here with me and feeling contracted and sick and unhappy ? Mmmmmm...ok let's start with a definition....boundaries, say my online dictionary are ..."real or imagined lines that mark the edge or limit of something". We all have a limit ..right ? Beyond that limit is one thing, something that is not right and you feel it and know it, I don't need to teach you that.

In relationship terms, boundaries need to be healthy ones. Let's not muddy boundaries with defences. Defences are usually learned mechanisms from childhood in order to keep us safe and protected from hurt and pain. Defences are a whole nother subject already discussed in "Whats Your New Year Survival Strategy" in December.

Boundaries are essential, initially in preserving and allowing you to be who you really are and then giving others a limit on what they can and can't do in your "you" space. You wouldn't let any Tom Dick or Harry run amuck in your garden that you had spent years nurturing and tending. You would have a boundary in place that says...admire my garden from where you are and I will let you come and have a look round it when it's right for us both. In the same way with relationships, it IS perfectly acceptable to set out your boundaries.

Get this, other people who love and care for you will respect you for defining your boundaries and they will also have clarity on where they stand with you. People who give you hassle are the ones with their own undefined boundaries but who seem happier interfering with other peoples to try and find their own ! One of my clients spent years with a controlling husband, only to end up wrecked on all levels and unaware how to really find the place to exert her boundaries, for fear of physical abuse. How sad that we feel we should just let people rampage in our lives in order to placate them.

But why do we often not have boundaries ? Well in some spiritual teachings, collapsing boundaries is supposed to bring openness on all levels which I assume means freedom within, but then I observe and talk to people who have done just that and they have opened themselves to all sorts of pain. I have been told it can be a feeling of not being defined in human form and of wooliness in relationships with others. Spiritual masters have defined boundaries as a means of control of self and possibly others. So let's look at a definition of control....."to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command". Mmmm.....just not the same....it feels restrictive. It is our perception of words and their use to a certain extent and what that means to you, is your use of the word and past meanings. But here I attempt to make good my little word called boundary.

Boundaries are needed ! Boundaries are fun ! Boundaries create and define who you are ! Boundaries help you to have happy healthy relationships ! In Imago Therapy (http://www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com/), the Intentional Dialogue technique attempts to bring whole communication to the other, in relationship. The technique helps you to visualise your partner being an island and when you want to talk you set up a invitation to dialogue where you invite your beau to be fully present on your island for it to take place. This island is the boundary between you and them and it is a place where they visit your business and world. It is NOT their place to own that space in any way shape or form. Controlling, does bulldoze boundaries and yeah ok we are all trying to control our freaks to a certain extent, but you get the picture.

Another reason why we don't often exert boundaries with others and this is a biggie, is the need for love. So many of us compromise ourselves to get our partners to love us and have given up all rights to being whole because the need for love is the dominant force. In my own experience I often morphed to become who my boyfriends wanted me to be, so not only did I have no boundaries but wasn't even looking like the real me...heck !

Many people step way out of themselves in the drive to be loved and there are gazillions of examples here. I have done it and have seen my friends do it all over the place. "Please love me" being the afterthought. Often we are too afraid to say "this is how it is for me and in order for me to feel happy this is where my boundary lies" because we are afraid of reprisals and ultimately being left. Hell...loving is scary enough as it is, without giving someone a list of respectful boundaries, I hear you cry. Often we NEVER communicate them and the trial and error stuff, while to some maybe fun, to others, creates a mare.

But what of not having them ? The majority of people who I speak to feel unhappy and at worst, totally depressed, without boundaries. The instinctive feeling is that living with lack of clarity on where they stand as individuals with their husbands/wives/partners creates a pattern of gradual erosion of a relationship. A friend of mine felt dishonoured and disrespected by his wife and constantly complained about things with her, but when questioned more deeply he knew that she didn't know where she stood with him on a number of subjects... especially when it came to what she expected him to do to help with the kids.

So what do boundaries look like in relationship ? They are the ones that honour and help you grow in relationship and usually fend off bad behaviour and negative emotion that only harm you. Respect is one of the laws of a good healthy balanced relationship and boundaries help create that. If your partner knows where they stand with you and you them, then everyone is happy. Boundaries say, "this is who I really am and if you want to be with me and create a conscious relationship, then this is how far you can go before you reach my limit". Perfectly acceptable ! Think of a time where you exerted a boundary with your partner. What felt right for you ? I sure it felt honouring for you on many levels.

Be careful though how you communicate a boundary to your sweetheart. This is all important. Telling your partner what they are not doing to make you happy is not a boundary but a controlling behaviour full of blame... here's an example :

"Honey you have no right to shout at me with bad language. You aren't going to get anywhere with that attitude" - this serves only to inflate.

"Honey when we fight I feel hurt and upset when bad language is used. I can't accept communicating in this way. Can we try another way please ?". See the difference.

Use "I feel" language and "I can't accept...when.." Know that is it ok..OK !

When I see people exerting them and using them properly, hey presto, a happy and respectful relationship is the result. So I urge you to practise, practise, practise. If you are not sure what I mean, get in touch and we can talk it through !

Lastly and in the name of opening to grow, for those of you out there with no boundaries in your relationship...how has is it been for you ? I would love to hear from anyone who has got along admirably with their loved one, without them. Above I state theories in practise, but everyone is beautifully different...joy !

Have a wonderful week
Blessings and joy x

Your Relationship Space - Beirut or Bliss ?

2010-02-03T18:46:00.002+01:00

Welcome to the month of love ! I hope you are feeling loved and are approaching 14th February with excited anticipation. How does your relationship look ?

Your relationship consists, you may think, of just you and your partner, but in therapy terms the "relationship" is often referred to as the "space" between you which is filled with all of your actions and situations, good or bad that either serve to help or hinder you both. It is here where your children and pets live and how much love is in this space, determines the health of your family and partnership.

To make it a little clearer, visualise for a moment a space between you like a garden or an oil painting that is the resulting picture and nature of how you have treated each other to date. One of my clients, when asked to look at this space he and his wife had created said "oh my god, it looks like a bomb site". They had spent so much time harming each other, that the space looked desolate and war torn.

To actually SEE what that space looks like can be a shock for some. It serves to get people to wake up to the state of the relationship and what they have done usually to harm the delicate beauty of this place where the seed of love was planted at the beginning but then ended up trodden on.

People, EVERY time you take from this space you harm your partner and the relationship and you effectively yank out all the delicate seeds of love that really need your attention, presence, nurturing and kindness. As a garden needs to flower, so does your relationship and it stands to reason that gardens don't flower if bull dozers run riot in them. Get the picture ?

So take a look. What does your relational space look like right now ? Are there some flowers but heavy boot marks through some areas ? Perhaps you feel your side of the garden or space is perfect and your partner's is like Beirut. Whatever you see IS telling you what you have been doing to build this relationship.

If you are looking for examples of what I mean by harming your relational space, then in simple terms I will spell it out for you :

Bad communication - talking over your partner, arguing, not listening to their point of view. Obvious really !
Needing to be right - yep it's common one, but why feel good about being right if your partner is left deflated and the underdog ?
Affairs - sounds an obvious one but it is pretty much the biggest bomb you could ever throw into your relational space. In my entire dating history and listening to hundreds of people talk about relationships over the years, I only know of one relationship that lasted after an affair. The odds are stacked I am sorry to say. We all know what happens so why do we do it ?
Not SEEing your partner and not being truly present with them when they speak to you.
Spending too much time engaged in what you want to do and not spending quality time with your partner in the "space". Remember your garden needs attention from both of you.
Getting your needs met - this can appear as bartering for love. Mentally you are giving to your partner BUT really you want something in return. Oh this is so common and the TRUTH is we constantly want to get our needs met, by pulling on the tug 'o war rope. "You have to love me otherwise you won't get any love from me".
Defences - when we feel hurt we keep our partner out with defences to try and get them to react. This only appears as trench warfare in the relational space. Not attractive !

The list is endless to be honest but I think you get the picture. I have no suggestions for you of "how to" to get it sorted because you are all adult and very capable of looking at this and knowing what is right for you and your partner to make your relational space the garden of Eden you so desire. You and they are unique in this Universe, so you KNOW what is good and what isn't. Its' not difficult.

What drives you to get your needs met comes from a largely unconscious drive from childhood, a huge subject for another day, but I can say this with assurity, that it is what you give to your relationship that helps you heal in the long term. As you breathe love into your relational space it surrounds you and your partner with endless possibilities for recovering and healing from the past. Taking will only set up bad energy between you where if you are strong mirrors for each other's short comings, your relational space will ever be ailing and poor quality.

Deep down we are all a huge bundle of love and can't wait to give it and feel it in return. We are created that way in a Divine sense, but relational spaces often reflect the remnants of our battle field scenes gone by as we grew through childhood into adulthood and the picture of the space you create now with your partner is a reflection of who you have become. And just maybe as you look into that mirror you can begin to see it.

If you are stuck and want to want to help each other create a beautiful healed space where deep and sacred love is allowed to blossom with purity, then please get in contact with me. I am currently developing the "Relationship MOT" which is a one off session that will help you see your relational space with clarity and from there we can work together to help you plant the flowers of love and remove the weeds that have strangled your relationship.

Finally, I wish you a beautiful love filled Valentine's Day. Make it a day of planting new and good things in your relational space. Wherever there is love, hope follows.

Namaste x

Is it Time to Move On or is it Just Your Stuff ?

2010-01-09T02:16:00.001+01:00

Having been stranded at home this week after a peaceful blanket of snow gently settled over Brighton and with a delicious amount of time to ponder and reflect and talk to friends and clients on the phone, it struck me that there is a distinct difference between knowing when to throw the towel in and call it a day with your dear heart and when it's just your "stuff" surfacing again. So how do you really know ?

I don't profess to nailing scientific proof to either side, even though our minds want to cling to something tangible because matters of the heart are somewhat "fluffy" at times,

but there seems to be flavours to the way people behave in love conflict.

I use the word stuff because it makes simple all the techy relationship speak such as emotional baggage, childhood wounds, unprocessed negative experiences, power struggles and I sure don't want to lose you in jargon city.

So there you are in the middle of yet another conflict, such as why it seems unfair that you do so much and they don't pull their weight, you give so much emotionally and they don't make you feel wanted... blah blah. Sorry to be flippant but the content of conflict is irrelevant ! It seems this has been going on for months or even years and I mentioned the ferris wheel in one of my last articles which is about going round in the same old circles and never moving forward. This sort of brick wall breakdown in communications eats away over time and often goes unnoticed until it's too late.

Unhealed experiences in you, and we all have them, from parenting and other relationships creates the you that you are today and the level to which you have bothered to really seek and clear out those blocks to your happiness, will show up in love conflicts.

Deep emotion can trigger from seemingly simple circumstances. I have experienced hundreds of incidences like this. One of my friends would be in trouble if he spoke for too long to a waitress while ordering dinner in a restaurant and on one particular occasion his partner stormed out because he dared to give the waitress a tip ! Situations like these are stuff coming up. My friend's girlfriend was set into complete fear at the thought of him remotely being near another female in case he preferred another to her. Repeat situations like this wear away and no surprise my friend finished with his lady because she would not address that it was her issue to heal, despite his painstaking demonstrations of love.

We MUST address our stuff people ! It is ours to own and be aware of and respectful to our relationship if we explore the essence of what is coming up in us when our partner acts in a certain way. A previous significant relationship for me finished because we triggered deep things in each other from our past. Our match potential was amazing but when we hit conflict and after time he felt that all the pain and heartache signified that we were not meant. Ouch that hurt ! Which brings me on nicely to the depiction of a perfect happy ending that see in the movies. We are all still attached to that view in some ways and we have expectations around what we want but rarely and more so now as the planet shifts gear, do we get the happy ending because our stuff is so present in our daily lives with our partners. In fact it's there more than the love is.

But our desire to have love seems to be getting more, can I say desperate, in its search, hence I believe why there is a growing divorce rate. We want to end it because feeling our stuff coming up is not pleasant and is often perceived as the end of the road. On many occasions this is SO NOT true. Stuff means healing trying to take place and only the right kind of communication will start to unwrap the wrapped. I am convinced about this and can coach you through exactly this realisation. It's amazing when I see the light go on in people's eyes !

Our partners are, as Martin Buber beautifully highlights, "helpmates in opposition". They are there with a specific job to show you what needs to be worked on, period. Oh to see the day when humanity is born knowing that and can thank and honour their other halves for doing their job !

So what about knowing when it's over ? Much more delicate to observe and detect. There are many factors at work. The relationship may have died of un-natural causes such as stuff wars that never seem to resolve. That's sadly the commonest reason. But what about a subtler element of it just being the right time to end it ?

My work embodies and lives in the essence of sacred, all encompassing love with another soul, in truth, honesty and authenticity, but I am discovering that our journeys and growth patterns are all so very varied now. This can mean that more than one "One" will come into your life to walk beside you through the next chapter and as you change and grow, relationship "deaths" are, perhaps provoking to say, but destiny at play.

You may say, but doesn't Conscious Union believe in lifelong marriages/partnerships to the one and only ? I would say yes, how wonderful would that be if we are "chipped" to meet our twin flame from day one and to heal with only one person. Beautiful ! But..overlay that with today's world and it seems that people are moving on much quicker to experience themselves through many people, not just one. Maybe our desire to grow more quickly creates partners that we shed, like a snake sheds it skins.

I have a friend who has been married for 25 years and not that long ago left his marriage because he just didn't "feel it" anymore. He found himself growing in a different direction and his wife was not going there with him but he had not consciously decided to move away from her. It was like the relationship was removed from them. Tough decision when all else in the marriage was good. It highlighted to me that wow, things just do change...but where from, when you have loved someone that long ?

From an educational perspective people choose mates who reflect traits, particularly negative ones from their parenting and the unhealed negative experiences from the past will surface with that mate. Growth and release can occur where what was unhealed becomes healed and so a person will feel as though there partner is no longer a stimulant for their healing and will end the relationship. I have seen examples of this in abusive relationships where the abusee will heal through their own education and leave the destructive partner to go it alone.

Being of spiritual leaning, I am surrounded by commonly termed spiritually "awake" friends and colleagues and find it fascinating that a life dedicated to self growth and conscious awareness of the self still doesn't mean happy sorted love lives. In fact it's often quite the opposite. And this I believe is attributed to accelerated self growth which leaves partners reeling from the shock of someone new walking in their door after each self development course. A conscious friend said a while ago that "someone pushed the start button on this roller coaster of love and now I just have to ride it". True indeed. I have been there many times and would say it's a tough ride for our other halves to deal with if they choose not to ride in a similar direction at quite the same speed. The result again is often the end of the relationship.

All I know is that as you grow and become more of the real you every day you start to really understand and know exactly you want from life and particularly love. Dearhearts you must know that you absolutely deserve to find the love and happiness you so desire. I would urge you to be still when you are not sure what the heck is going on in a relationship and feel from the heart what is the right way to go. You will sure as heck know when it's your stuff coming up, I don't have to teach you that, it's part of you. If you stop for a moment you will know where the stuff comes from and the art of communicating it can be learned.

Watch for the signs, stand back and observe what the greater intelligence out there is trying to tell you. The answers are always there.

I leave you with this lyric from the song Nature Boy...."the greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return” and that love just maybe meant from more than one or two people through your lifetime. And if there is such a thing such as destiny when love comes, live and feel it fully on every level !

'Til next time

Whats Your New Year Survival Strategy ?

2009-12-30T00:37:00.003+01:00

Happy New Year everyone !

I hope your Christmas was filled with all that makes you happy and that you are looking forward, not back, to a life that is always so precious and full of promise. 2010 is predicted to be a year of us being where we are meant to be and settling into our "groove" in life. Does it feel that way for you or are you still holding back what is meant for you ?

My reason for writing this article is because very tragically and suddenly I lost a dear friend this Christmas. His passing and what I can only assume must have been in very troubled internal circumstances, left me wondering about the walls of defence to love that we so ardently build around ourselves and carry through life with the perception that they will prevent us from pain and sorrow. But what of a defence if it only serves ultimately to isolate us and starve us from love and indeed life ?

I heard the phrase "survival strategy" on a relationship communication course run by an extraordinary human being in early December, called Hedy Schleifer. Our survival strategy, a better way to describe defences, she says, prevents us from truly engaging in life and can harm our relationships with our partners and loved ones as we try and protect our delicate hearts from pain.

Survival strategies start building from birth crucially through our first key relationship with our caretakers or parents. The reactions from our caretakers to our natural behaviours as babies and children through each stage of growth can produce, what Imago Relationship Therapy calls, the "fragmented self" which comprises the lost, denied and disowned parts of our personality that we keep hidden because we have been told that it is not right to feel this or express that. So as we strive to become accepted and loved in our world, we fragment from our true nature.

For example, if a child is told it is inappropriate to express anger in any way, that child will grow up disowning that part of him and among other symptoms can suffer with depression later in life because he can't express the full range of emotions necessary to lead a happy and healthy life. This "wounding" during childhood starts us on a path to constructing defences or survival strategies as we try and prevent this wounding from occurring again. We can and will hide our true essence for fear of it not being appropriate to others and of certain "death" of who we are, should we not conform. As we grow older and form relationships with partners, our truest mirror of where we are at on all levels, survival strategies can build into hugely complicated behaviours that manifest in all sorts of ways.

To explain all this, I will call on one of my past and best survival strategies which looks like this and people.. it's a common one ! Current boyfriend would say or do something that triggered my fear of losing his love. I would react by saying words to push him away, usually by text and threatening to the health of the relationship. My tactic in this particular strategy was to get him to run after me and prove how much he loved me and would never leave. A temporary sticking plaster over the gaping wound of lack of love from my dear dad, as I grew up. A huge fear that was white in nature. Not having a man's love felt like crippling pain beyond comprehension.

To continue....my man was just supposed to get it....derrr ! What would follow, if he was reacting with his survival plan and not giving me love, was for me to push and verbally kick even harder. Then if that didn't work I initiated the next part of the strategy... the wall of silence. Mobile and landline switched to my dulcet tones on answer phone. Let him wonder what I am up to ...ha ! Then the painful waiting game...he can damn well contact me first ! He upset me and he's gonna pay by not having me around until he learns. Blah.... !

I often waited ages and my last serious boyfriend, until my relationship light bulb went on, was a true mirror. He just did the same thing right back and so the defences grew higher and higher...who would be the first to give in ?! I usually broke first because my fear was greater than his. In the end this constant parade wore away at the delicate nature of the truth of our love and it ended. You create what you fear is indeed one of the truest sayings I know. I have done it many times ! This strategy was total agony and so lonely. Those around always tried to support me and were always amazing.

The psychology of my defence, was healing waiting to happen and the only place for that was sitting down in truth and commitment with my man and working together to heal from the past. But that's not easy to do when you don't know what's happening and why.

This scenario may sound way too familiar to you. My advice would be to educate yourself about what is happening and about the past but trying to understand it and your strategies may take a little time and effort. Survival strategies can inflict great pain on your partner. Arguments are the clashing of strategies, nothing more nothing less and are irrelevant and most of all...devoid of love.

So how do you spot the survival strategies in yourself and others ?

Notice your patterns with your current partner or past relationships. Do you have a familiar way of behaving in negative situations that make you feel bad or lonely deep down but you can't help yourself but to react ? That is your survival strategy. I have a friend who, when I sometimes ask probing questions about an issue with her boyfriend, more often than not will say things to make it look like she is fine but she clearly is fibbing to herself and me. It's often an energy ...you just know...oops...survival strategy being deployed ! I have also met people over the years who will not let a partner "back in" again if they dare to trigger their deep pain, even once. The survival strategy just cuts them off...period. Ouch !

I have also witnessed friends and acquaintances whose survival strategy is to serial date, running from one person to another to avoid any depth in connection albeit that having alot of sex is one of the goals. Maybe you are this person and if you are, although a certain amount of having lots of partners might win you short term satisfaction or street cred, are you honouring yourself by keeping yourself protected behind the defences you have built ?

My advice is just to observe and know that even though you may be trying to protect yourself from perceived pain and loss, the final result is mostly isolation and unhappiness. Seems mad, because the intent is to prevent, but in reality it causes that which you seek to avoid.

If you are single, practise observing your reactions to friends, family and even colleagues. If you go to put up a defence, explore why you feel compelled to engage your survival strategy. What's at the root cause...be honest ? You may be surprised by the answers. Once you have observed and noted your strategies ask yourself where from your past did they start to appear ? You may not find that one out in a day but knowing and being aware is the first step towards the willingness to change the future.

Practise being brave enough to communicate how you feel to people. This is essential, otherwise how are they going to know what the heck is going on with you ? People are not mind readers...sadly !.... we need it in plain language that makes sense. What would you like to be the outcome of that particular situation ?

If you are in a couple, communicate every time from a place of calm. Say how you feel when the need to engage your survival strategy rears up. It takes some practise because the emotions can be strong but changing the way you act is essential in changing the way things go. Never wait for your partner to change the dance, so to speak. Blaze a trail every time for change. You feel better and better as you take charge and break your defences. And letting your partner in will build trust and closeness. How good is that !

What would you look like if you had no survival strategies ? You would be the real you, with only love to radiate and no fear of receiving that which is there for you in abundance.

And finally I leave you with this question. If your survival strategies are left to live an untamed life and one day you reach your death bed where you lay exhausted from all the self protection behind your well guarded walls, would anyone have ever known the real, glorious, amazing, extraordinarily loving being that you are ?

Single And Happy This Christmas ?

2009-12-09T16:02:00.000+01:00

I sat down to write today and have changed the title so many times ! There is just so much to discuss in the fascinating world of love and relationships, but I couldn't let Christmas go by without writing something apt. My word bag is slowly starting to open so who knows where this will end up!

Thankfully, I say that now, I have hung up the Christmas party "man-hunting" boots, in favour of a satisfied and happy inner glow and glass of mulled wine around the Christmas tree with my lovely mum, friends and of course Becky Woo, my angelic dog. I have one Christmas run up date in the dizzy diary with my bestest friend Jules, for a meal and few drinks out, but that's it.

Am I happy being single this Christmas ? I am blissfully happy being me, is my answer to that. I don't NEED love from another to MAKE me happy anymore. Hoorah ! But it took me 23 years to work it out.

I am the biggest fan of love you will find and believe whole heartedly and with every living cell that being with someone to share life with, is our Divine Calling. If it wasn't there would be hardly any movies, songs, dating agencies... blah blah. Love does and always will be our number motivation for life. We are love, nothing more, nothing less.

Feeling inwardly complete is truly amazing. It affords you the blessing of being able to love without the conditions. There is now room on the path next to me, to walk in freedom and growth with someone else. Someone who will be my mirror and show me how best I can become an even more amazing human being. Now that type of relationship really floats my boat ! It's where it's at and the ONLY type of fulfilling partnership you will have. The one with yourself. Fancy some of that ? Read on.....

Singledom is only a label anyway...we were born single and will "go out" single. We are always with ourselves and yet connected on every level with everything and everyone. It's funny, but “single” conjures up for me, the lone part of a whole. "I am single" you put on insurance forms, but what's the opposite of that...whole, double ?

Are we meant to be single ? That's an interesting question...comments welcome. Those seeking spiritual enlightenment are often single and choosing to develop and grow alone. Maybe it is because their growth is accelerated, but from my travels I have experienced many "spiritually" awake people who don't necessarily have luck in love and therefore choose to stay single to avoid pain. I digress...

So there you are all dressed up to the nines and ready for the stretched limo to come and take you out "wiv da girls" for the works Chrissy party or boys, a trip to the local. What do you have in mind ? Fun, food, a shed load of alcohol and a little flirtation with the opposite sex maybe...don't deny it...it's what makes the evening much more enjoyable ! Been there many times. In fact many singles go out with the absolute intention of meeting someone new. I did. What a great way to spend Christmas, all wrapped up in new love !

But take a moment, before you depart for Club Christmas Do and question the inner voice...you maybe kidding yourself that "oh I just wanna have fun and don't care about meeting someone"...but can you be sure that is YOUR truth ? If not then be honest, is being with that special someone really what you want ? Unless you sit in truth with yourself everyday, chances are life will remain full of you kidding yourself and that only harms you. Putting out an image of “I am a free party girl/boy” won’t get you love, probably oodles of sex, but that’s it. Cool…a lot of guys would say that’s exactly what I want ! Well ok, but long term, I know that won’t be anywhere near fulfilling. What of intimate connection if it is devoid of love ?

I would ALWAYS go out hoping to meet someone, even though I would never tell anyone. It was my secret inner child hope. I dressed to kill (eek sounds so horrid now !) and went out like a predator into the night, hoping to find that person to love me. With the NEED on full alert I would more often than not find someone, but never the right person and ladies, men smell need a mile off !

Need is not love and needing is a display of what is lacking in your own self love. How many times have people said to you "You can't love another, until you love yourself" ? It's an ancient saying and one I never used to get at all. Of course I love myself I would protest ! But then the measure of my need was always on display because I didn't realise that no man, no matter how gorgeous, could ever fulfil my own desire to love me.

So, at this point, you have either established, in an honest moment, that yes you do want to find someone to love and we will talk about that briefly later, or no Gina I am happy being single....well I challenge you again...is that really true ?

In Harville Hendrix's book, Keeping the Love You Find, is an excellent analogy. He says that singledom is the moratorium period between relationships. I love that ! It's not to say you have got to be in a relationship at all, you can do in life as you please, but to a certain extent as we leave one relationship, we apply the principal, "phew thank God that's over, he/she was a pain in the ass" and "I just wanna do things when and how I want" and that’s the reason for being single not because actually being single makes you happy. Get my point ? Fine for now but again long term, we start to search again.

In the book, Getting the Love You Want, one of my life changing reads, Harville Hendrix explains that our first experience of true separation is at birth, when we become physically detached from our mother and from then we are set on a path to regain that connection once more. A deeply inspiring thought and perhaps that is where our innate longing and need for love comes from. I could go into stuff about our connection to the Divine and that being the only real connection there is, but I would leave a few of you behind and well that is a subject for another day.

Establishing that you do want to be in a relationship, brings up a heap of questions from me, such as; what are you attracting and have attracted in present and past partners ? Do you know yourself and are you being who you really are ? What are the unhealed parts of you ?

Self enquiry and growth is the only way to engender change so you can be part of better, more fulfilling and happy relationships in the future. Conscious Union is all about you, your return to authenticity and an understanding of where you have come from and where you are going in love.

A workshop in January 10 ( please see my web site for details) will help your singledom become a place that I have reached. One of completeness, self honour, self respect and an understanding of why I have done what I have done and finally of acceptance and inner peace but with an openness to attract true love when the time is right.

And finally if you are happy being single or should I say just happy being you and have reached the place I have, then I raise a very hearty glass to you this Christmas and say welcome home to you.

Have a safe and love filled Christmas from Conscious Union. Namaste x

Expectations to Ruinations

2009-11-28T22:07:00.000+01:00

When you wake up in the morning. What do you expect to happen ? I expect my alarm to go off. I expect daylight to have arrived. I expect that I can move my body and get out of bed. I expect my breakfast Radio 2 programme to be on and I expect the kettle to boil when I switch it on. Sounds simple but we do alot of expecting without realising it. It's generally unconscious conditioning.

Expectations are ok to a point but when we attach and literally crave and desire them, we are usually setting ourselves up for a fall. With expectation comes attachment to the outcome and pressure for that expectation to be fulfilled in the way we planned.

When it comes to relationships, expecting can be disastrous. Expectations of what our partner should or should not be doing to make us happy only leads ultimately to one place, misery and conflict. Why, because one, looking to the other to make you happy will only create temporary highs and two, defining your happiness based on expectation is a never ending journey; one where you can never truly be satisfied.

But Gina, I expect my partner not to physically abuse me or take advantage of my feelings. Yes, that maybe your truth. We need to form some boundaries to maintain our integrity and sense of self otherwise how else would we survive, but expectations often form rigid milestones for your partner to reach that denote "I won't be happy unless...." ...eek too much pressure !

Expectations may help to control the freak in you, but what impact are they having on your relationship and you ? And what if your partner doesn't live up to the expectations you have set ? In terms of your values, you are likely to head off into story mode. "He just doesn't care about me" "I do so much for her and she doesn't show me how much she appreciates me". Notice the "me" and "I" in those sentences. Now we are getting to my point. Expecting is all about you. Welcome to the truth.

Lets test this with a small scenario...your anniversary has arrived. It's been 5 years together and you thought you would surprise your partner with a romantic meal, candles...you get the picture. Your partner normally arrives home at 7, so you rush up to pour the bath, bubbles etc. The romantic stage is set for a beautiful eve. You have visualised (and expected !!) your loved one being utterly overcome with adoration for your efforts and having a wonderful evening followed by a passionate night of the most exquisite love-making. 8pm arrives and your partner has not set foot in the door. Alarm bells and stories start to manifest. In your mind you have expected many things perhaps. Your partner to arrive home when they always do at 7. A phonecall perhaps to tell you they may be a little late. But nothing. 9pm arrives then 10pm. Finally at 10.30pm your partner drifts in the door a little worse for wear from an impromptu drink after work. At this point the choice is yours. 1) You can explode with a barrage of accusations about what you have done to surprise your man/lady and how they have failed that 2) You can step back and look at what you planned with a big dollop of self awareness that you created the scene and the expectation around it - you meet your partner with ease and a kiss and a hug and then your evening can still be salvaged and may well end up being better than you thought. It is a choice. Be angry or find another way to keep the joy going. I know it's not easy but what do you want...pain or pleasure ?

I have many many times "expected" in love. My boyfriends had to text, call and be attentive when I felt they should...blah blah. "Should", oh what a destructive word for the mind to use in it's plot to harm ! Zillions of times I have heard girlfriends say "He said he would call, mail, text, come over and he didn't". Because he "said he would" sets the expectation in stone and dumps your partner in the proverbial doo-doo if they don't do what they say they were going to. But ! ..you cry, that's not my problem it's his/hers ! Yes, on some levels, but I am not concerned with them, just you. How you react to the expectation of what "should" be, is the key.

Like it or lump it, having expectations leads ultimately to disappointment and hangs one outcome on a situation that could have many outcomes, all positive, depending on your attitude.

So how do we deal with the affliction of expectation ?

Let go ! How does it feel when you do ? It is only a thought. It's about control and releasing control is about "feeling the fear", to coin a well known phrase. Question your beliefs around your partner making you happy. If someone placed a heap of expectations on you, how would you feel ? Trapped, stifled, unable to breath perhaps. So that is how your partner may feel. Not very free is it ?

Healthy conscious relationships thrive on allowing. Your partner is not a possession but someone to enjoy the path of life with, in freedom and joy. Expectations can harm and create conflict in your delicate laboratory of love and sadly many people out there still find themselves inflicting rules on their partner in order to try and be loved and approved of.

Expectation is aligned with fear. Allowing is aligned with love. Next time you catch yourself expecting, question it's importance and validity. Is this worth ruining my day/evening over ? Because my partner is not meeting my expectation, does that mean they don't care about me ? The answer to both questions and many more is probably no. A list of expectations is a form of requiring proof that your partner cares and loves you.

Don't you think that love is a natural beautiful phenomenon ? What a shame to have to tie your partner to a ritual of evidence actions based on the stories of your expectations. Be brave, let go and focus on giving the love you want. It is after all, All About You.

I specialise in helping you to understand what part you play in a relationship. I offer 1:1 educational sessions and workshops based around your valuable link to the delicate nature of your partnerships. See my website for more details of the next workshop in January 10.

Couples Yoga - Reconnect Without Words

2009-11-18T18:31:00.002+01:00

During my yoga teacher training I was delightfully captivated one weekend by the beautiful unspoken dialogue that occurred as I partook of a partner yoga session. At the start of the class I sat back to back with my partner and we were asked to simply observe the other's breath flowing in and out and just feel the rise and fall of inspiration and expiration. Wow....there is so much going on when you cease the words ! I was blown away by just "being" in the presence and aliveness of another human being. It brought me to tears as I realised that love is just sitting there waiting to be felt...it was so simple. I could really tune in and forget the world outside..a meditation for two indeed ! My mind was quietened and all I could hear was both bodies singing their tune. We were encouraged to keep words to a minimum and to keep eye contact wherever possible feeling the flow of movement as a meditation.

Breathing flowed into pranayama (breathing exercises), again sitting back to back and from there followed a sequence of asana or posture work where it quickly became obvious that trust was a large element in knowing that my partner was going to be there to support me. After an hour in class, we were all rosy cheeked and vibrant. I felt such warmth and kindness towards my partner and I had a huge amount of fun. We literally belly laughed when we did the "tree" balancing posture, trying and falling again and again.

It got me thinking that physical connection is such a critical element in any relationship for its healthy functioning but it doesn't have to be about sex. Does having sex make you feel connected ? A mixture of responses I guess. In many instances it doesn't, because there can be a mine field of issues around being comfortable with your body, "pressure to perform"..the list is endless. Partner yoga, or as I have come to rename it, couples yoga, can be a way of injecting that much needed vitality back into your relationship through physical exploration without the pressure of intimacy and it offers a way to heal disconnection. Many couples complain that they don't spend enough quality time together. Couples yoga provides a new hobby and journey to new chapters in your relationship. All outside "doings" and daily stresses can be left at the door and all you need focus on is the person you have chosen to spend your life with.

One of the things that struck me the most was the clarity of the current dynamic of your relationship and where you are in terms of openness for connection. I experienced couples yoga with a friend and noticed through self observation where my blocks are to being touched, held and supported and how much I like to be in control. Very amusing ! Every glitch in your relationship is apparent as is the level of harmony by which you flow through the class.

My belief is that couples yoga has enormous benefits, not least in un-doing some of the negative experiences that have been created through too many words. You can find :

Deeper Trust - Posture work requires varying degrees of letting go and relying on your partner to support you as you both move through the sequences and trust is essential in knowing that your partner is going to be there to help you get into and out of the postures !
Bonding - Some of the breathing exercises require you to sit side by side or back to back with your loved one. The simplicity of feeling the aliveness of the other person as they breathe, can be deeply profound. Just feeling each others heart beat brings you to a state of non-mind awareness and will allow heart centred communication to flow.
Connection - How well do you know your partner's body ? Partner yoga will help you explore the deeper aspects of physical union and will help you notice your partner in different ways. This can lead to a greater ability to listen with intent and communicate with the heart rather than the head. Such a joy !
Fun - couples yoga is so much fun and provides a platform for bringing joy back into your lives. Laughing is a great way to relieve stress and tension and can make problems seem far less important.
Greater Intimacy - Couples who experience disconnection at a sexual level during a difficult phase of their relationship can often feel pressure to "perform" when they don't really feel close. Yoga can break down this barrier by creating a non threatening environment in which to explore each other without it having to lead to sex. With couples looking for deeper connection, yoga can and will help you improve your sex life. Yoga is ever changing as are our bodies and our human need for new things can be satisfied with this form of union.
Balance - Postures require balance in order to work properly, therefore you experience greater awareness of what it takes to create balance in your relationship. Having practised with friends and partners I am always aware of my own balance.
Communication - in partner yoga, expressing your needs is a sign of strength and by articulating where you need to be held or put will help you "talk" to your partner in a different way.
Quality time - our world is always hectic and to be able to find time and get fit together, couples yoga ticks both boxes.

Feel it, Don't intellectualize it.

2009-10-19T20:25:00.289+02:00

I have been wonderfully engrossed in some fascinating conversations lately with people who are at varying stages of their relationship journey. Some are happy and content, what a joy ! Some are "bumbling along" and some are in the middle of a tricky separation and having to explain what's going on to their partner and loved ones.

For those who are experiencing the pain of troubles in love, the explaining part is quite a challenge when you think about it, because it is feelings that we are trying to convey but on a platform of intellectuality, tinged with intended rationality so that others can try and understand. A difficult predicament ! How do you feel with words ? Is love a feeling or a word we use to describe it ? And if is a word then what is the feeling that comes so powerfully with it ? Chicken and egg.

I am observing a client at the moment who is breaking up from a very long term marriage on the grounds that "the certain thing" they once used to feel for their partner is no longer there. And when the injured party is looking for a rational explanation, how do you explain what is essentially a feeling that once was there and now isn't ? But "feeling it" is the guiding force to a happier life, ultimately, although the pain of getting there can be enormous. It’s a mystery when feelings “just” change, but if we resist it, the discomfort persists. Is it destiny calling ? Who really knows but change is inherent in our world and at an incredibly past pace nowadays. Humanity is rapidly developing and living life by feelings tends to be the fashion. But what a wonderful fashion !

Although traditionally we believed men to be the ones who find it hard to express feelings, we are all human beings with the same physiological capacity to feel. Thankfully things are changing rapidly. Gender stereotypes and history dictate that women are generally the nurturer/carers with a built-in ability to really understand emotions, but in a partnership relating feelings are a critical part of good communication. When you explain how you feel, it is owned by you and you can't be blamed or indeed blame, for just simply feeling a certain way.

Feelings are experienced on a physical level first as sensations, then our brain interprets into words what we feel. We are prone to react quickly when we feel intense emotions but how often do we really listen to our feeling centre, some may call it the heart centre and let it be our guide through life ? Would we be much happier if we did ? I know I am and try to more and more in daily life as well as in relationship with others.

I invite you to ponder this..your love relationship is your greatest teacher, of the self and your greatest potential for growth. Reflect for a moment on a current or previous relationship and ask yourself, have the emotional/feeling challenges helped you to really know yourself better ? I look back at my complex and varied portfolio of relationships and say a huge YES to that one ! Feelings help you connect more deeply within and therefore if "used" wisely can be the way to a happier and more fulfilled life.

The feeling centre or in spiritual terms, the soul, seems to be a huge guiding force propelling us forward despite protestations from the mind. The mind/heart balance is a critical one. What percentage would you say your mind and heart are in relation to the other ?

The mind is intrinsically linked with the interesting nature of the ego. Ego to many may mean, "I am better than you" but without ego we wouldn't get up in the morning. We need a certain amount of ego to help us develop in life, but keeping it in check becomes a necessity as we move through life otherwise it will patrol the front line of the mind, sabotaging anything it doesn't like. It can be the bad angel on your shoulder knocking lumps out of your self esteem and will try and push feelings out the way to get what it wants. The ego tends to push away feelings of discomfort and will happily make up stories about the past and the future to satisfy it's own desires. If left unchecked, feelings and the mind/ego partnership can be unhappily divorced and the result is an inner split and deeper unhappiness and discontent. A war zone within then creates a war zone "without".

Sounds funny to be analysing the "self" in such a detached way, but in educating yourself about how your feelings and mind work, could be the key to unlocking some of the blocks which prevent you from having healthy conscious relationships and true inner peace and contentment.

Who would you be if your feelings were to the leading light in your life ? The mind in balance, working along side the heart would be utopia if humanity were to get smart and be willing to change. To many however, this would be too scary for words, because the life they have created is based on the needs and desires of others and not what they feel instinctively. It takes a brave person to live life from the feeling centre.

But we must ask ourselves if we continue to live life with inner discontent because we are ignoring what we really feel, then are we going further away from the point of being here in the first place ? Earth is a school of continuous learning. Would you rather flunk out or be the best you can possibly be and gain the highest achievement...inner freedom and happiness ? Your choice. Let your feelings be the trail blazer in your life !

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam

May All Beings Be Happy

Look Before You Fall

2009-10-12T17:11:00.001+02:00

Inspired by countless stories of friends and acquaintances jumping into relationships without "assessing" the scene, I have come to the conclusion, that to save us from self induced heartache we must indeed look before we fall in love. If possible.

Easy to say when the emotions stirred by seeing that beautiful face across a crowded room, rocket to the surface. But using a touch of logic and a big helping of discernment could save you quite literally, especially if you are a person who keeps repeating the same patterns in the choice of partner.

Meeting people seems so easy these days. There are a plethora of places to find "love". Speed dating, on line or just the good old fashioned bars/clubs, to name a few. But what are we looking for ? During my recent research generally women say love, despite their age and men say a mixture of sex and love depending on where they are at in life. With this in mind there is a large chance we will be at odds with the people we meet, but most of us never try to find out early on and often it's too late for the heart when it's fallen.

I was a prize winner at "jumping in with both feet" without looking too carefully. I ALWAYS looked for love and commitment, but found alot of sex and not much else. My well practised routine of working the room and finding someone who matched my party girl, frivolous image, was rolled out time and again. What I gave out I certainly got back. I was attracted to exciting, vivacious, good looking men with an edge, who knew how to attract hoards of women. Even though I denied it, friends insisted that I loved the "dangerous" types. "Oh no !" I said, but they were right. I had heaps of fun and don't regret a minute of all the experiences, but alot of pain came with the pleasure.

The pain was always because I chose the unusual, challenging, different, devastatingly good looking, complicated and those who were rarely looking to settle down. I know now that all these elements were in me to a lesser or greater degree, hence the strong attraction, but I just went for it all the same !

But if we are looking for a committed loving relationship then why don't we stick to our mental list of criteria when we meet someone ? What makes us go back for more and even more when the signs are often glaringly obvious that this person is not going to make good marriage material ?

Well it has a whole lot to do with unconscious choices made up of experiences from our childhood. Experiences that have made us adapt to life because we didn't get some of our needs met by our parents/caretakers. As adults looking for partners in which to have lasting relationships, part of our brain is programmed to seek out those who match traits, particularly the negative ones, of our caretakers. Once a target has been identified we seek healing for those unmet needs and lost parts of ourselves, in our new partner. Look at your current partner and ask yourself, what about this person reminds me of my mum/dad ? You will be surprised by the similarities. My workshops will tell you more about this fascinating area of partner choice, but it is too big a subject to elaborate here.

On a conscious level there is alot we can do to be a little more discerning :

1) Firstly ask yourself what you are looking for. Is it a serious relationship with marriage as the goal, or just someone to have fun with now and again ? Don't say fun when you really mean love. Attracting someone on a false pretence will only lead to you getting hurt.
2) Look at what you give out to people when you are out. Do you display someone who is looking for a committed relationship ? Yes it comes down to simple things like dress. What is your shop window displaying ?
3) Stand back and look longer than you normally would when you meet someone. If it is in a bar, look at what they are giving out. Obviously flirty, wowing the crowd, talking to lots of members of the opposite sex, could be giving off vibes of party animal and not Mr/Mrs Commitment. Sounds obvious but we can all be attracted like magnets to these people.
4) Spend time getting to know the person you meet BEFORE you take the plunge. Is he/she in the right place to have a committed relationship ? Look out for very recent relationship breaks with others. This may well interfere with yours especially if there are unresolved issues. Relationships starting with old unsevered ties can be painful. Been there too many times ?
5) Is this person looking for the same things as you ? This is a biggie. You don't have to go right in there and ask on a first date, but use searching questions to get a picture of where they are at in life. Does it match your life plan ?
6) Ladies, stay out of bed for a while ok. Getting intimate too quickly and I stress here, in general, can take the guy's eye off the commitment ball. Getting naked with someone is, in essence, a sacred experience and so making a guy wait will let him know you don't just give out to anyone. Sounds old fashioned but remember, man the hunter still !
7) Work on yourself and become fully conscious of who you are. Unless you understand yourself and why you attract the people you do, repeat painful patterns could continue.
8) Honour yourself and know that you are worth more than a million diamonds. Don't settle for people and relationships that are not serving your highest good.

And lastly I would offer that love is in abundance where we seek abundance. Look for gold not silver every time and believe that the deepest, truest, most fulfilling love is out there when you become it first.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam
May All Beings Be Happy

Tame the Beast - Insecurity

2009-09-28T22:06:00.004+02:00

A battle field for the heart and emotions...insecurity. It plagued my life and the men I dated, so many times in the last 25 years and was the source of great angst too many times, often with disastrous consequences.

Insecurity is a feeling that can't always be intellectualised and virtually never rationalised when in motion. The energy generated can be overpowering and when it blows the surface, an emotional eruption can be the result. I have experienced and seen many scenes of pain and conflict as a direct result of reactive behaviour from this emotion.

But what is insecurity exactly. Have you ever dissected it ? The English dictionary says :
"1 not confident or assured. 2 not firm or firmly fixed. 3 easily broken into; not protected".

Yes, for me, it was definitely about lack of confidence. I have many times in public places, convinced myself that another more attractive and vivacious woman is going to capture the heart of my beloved, there and then.

Yes it's about not being protected and here was my revelation only last year.....for me it's about feeling UNSAFE. I discovered at the root of my insecurity was my lack of personal and emotional safety. Once educated, I came to understand that my father, god rest his soul, had been regularly exiting the marital home for many years because of his violent mood swings and so my experience as a very small child was "that is what men do". My masculine role model did it. The result ? Wounding and a defensive coping mechanism of "run and hide" to try and stay safe. But deep in my inner child I had an aching longing for daddy to come and make me feel safe. He rarely did.

As I began to date, I carried with me the unconscious conditioning from childhood. When I felt unsafe with a boyfriend, I would put up a high emotional fortress and flee the scene if I thought I was going "to die" emotionally. As the insecurity kicked in, I would react before I had chance to control the bucking bronco surfacing. This only served to further isolate me from my man. They usually never understood and it was pointless trying to explain, because for years I didn't understand what was at the root of it.

After reacting I would then shut down lines of communication and expect my man to run after me to make me feel safe again. He would have to try hard and sometimes it took days to recover me from the cave I had run into. A whopping big pattern of the same carried on for years and I felt helpless to stop it, because the lack of safety was literally terrifying. Sound familiar ?

The saying "you create what you fear" is the truest thing I ever heard. I did indeed create the same reaction of a man wanting to leave me because of my ingrained pattern. It was me and dad all over again, time after time.

To make it worse I was strongly drawn to the "player" type of men. Men, like dad, who represented "unsafe" and risky to my heart. You may think, why oh why Gina, would you deliberately choose men like your dad ? Why indeed, but you see, choosing this type of man was not a conscious choice but an unconscious one. Our sub conscious mind is responsible for picking who we need for healing. It's been proven that you will be most drawn to partners who represent the traits, particularly the negative ones, from our parents/caretakers. They wounded you and now you need to create the same scenarios in order to heal from childhood, with your partner.

Fascinating stuff that you would not know without education. Call me for more information on how to get fit for a conscious relationship.

Dealing with insecurity :

1) Firstly are you truly committed to your relationship ? I ask this because if you have a non-committal partner they will trigger your insecurity time after time. Think about this however. Non-committal partners are only a reflection of the non-committal elements in you. You get back what you give out ! It took me years and years to work this out. Are you really committing or are you waiting for your partner to first ? This won’t work. Be what you want first, every time.

2) Check out your partner. Are they at the right stage for a fully conscious relationship to help you heal ? Healing will only take place when you have a partner who is prepared to commit to working through the power struggles. It can be a tough road !

3) Communicate with your partner and tell them calmly and gently what you feel when insecurity arises and what sort of situations make it happen. The worst thing is the out of control reactions which generate hurtful words and then you have a tougher time resolving the issue. With awareness, your partner will then know your triggers and can help you as your feelings arise.

4) If you are out and you feel insecure, remove yourself from the scene for a few minutes if you can and DON'T react. Your surfacing feelings are yours to own and no-one else's. Your partner is merely triggering the depths of your un-resolved past. Sit somewhere you can breathe deeply and try focusing on your breath not on the story in your mind about what is happening at the scene. This will only add fuel to your fire. The emotion WILL fade but be disciplined and vigilant.

5) Educate yourself about your past and find out where the root of your insecurity lies. What does it mean to you when you feel it ? Lack of safety, anger, feeling worthless ? This is ESSENTIAL and was the turning point in my life. Unless you know what you are doing and why, you will continue to become engaged in the story of you and it is only a story !

Communication is the key to creating conscious relationships. Good luck. Namaste !

The Ferris Wheel

2009-09-22T18:04:00.041+02:00

Dear readers...I have created my ferris wheel analogy in response to years of observations in friends and my own love relationships.

This is the scene....you are in a relationship that is beyond the honeymoon period, where the rose coloured spectacles, viewing your once perfect partner, are now off and the proverbial relationship sleeves are rolled up ready for the next stage. Some call it the power struggle, where the real business of getting to know each other kicks in.

The power struggle is inherent in every relationship, to varying degrees, depending on previous life experience, but I see a cyclical pattern that emerges time and again, where people feel as though they are never moving forward but just repeating the same old situations and things.

So there you are going round in circles or round the ferris wheel with each other, saying the same old things and resisting at the same points. Why should you change...it's not me it's him/her...if only they would get it...derrr ! The ups and the downs reflect your journey around the wheel. But repeating the wheel only serves to take the relationship in one direction and that's down, not forward.

In my experience the ferris wheel turns because neither party is prepared to change, or can't see what they are doing to create their part in it. They are not only taking, but destroying the delicacy of the emotional bond in the relationship.

Sometimes, from the outset, both parties have actually laid out their life stall and in reality are not a match for future life aspirations and goals, but the "blindness" that seems ingrained in the initial stage of romantic love, glosses over these very important facts. The ferris wheel can then occur because deep down each person is not being fulfilled because simply, they want different things. I have a dear friend who is experiencing this now. The life differences mean that her and her partner can't quite move forward, because what they both desire for fulfillment, is not the same.

The more the ferris wheel turns the more the ups get shorter and the downs and conflicts get longer. This wears the relationship thin and dis-connection starts to appear in all forms, like filling time so that you don't have to spend it with your partner or worse still, finding solace in someone else. And at the bottom of every ferris wheel is the place where we can jump off. So why don't we ?

It's not about love when this occurs, it's about not having your needs met and being unwilling, on some levels, to make the changes necessary to give to your relationship what it needs to heal.

Steps for halting the ferris wheel :

1) Firstly, be totally honest with yourself. Is this the person you truly want to be with ? Or do you have different life goals and feel that your partner is not going in the same direction ? If you really don't think there is a future then communicate with your partner. This saves time and future heartache believe me.

2) During the honeymoon period. LISTEN with logic as well as the heart. What are the messages your partner is giving you about themselves. Many times I didn't listen only to hurt myself on this very point !

3) If you both are committed to making it work then communicate effectively. I can teach you how. Please contact me.

4) Think about "what can I give to this relationship" rather than "what can I take from it". Act on that ! What you resist, persists.

5) When things arise in your relationship that stir deep emotion. Don't react ! Engaging brain before mouth. If you can, remove yourself from the scene and take a few moments to go within. Sit with the feelings that arise and observe them without reacting. Remain balanced and let the feelings arise and subside which they will do. All that rises passes away. It is the cycle of life and the same goes for emotions. Eventually after some practise, these once powerful emotions, will no longer have the effect they used to have and will not control you.

6) Hold a mirror to yourself and ask "what is it that my partner brings up in me that's unresolved ?" What are the feelings that really irk you when you have ferris wheel issues ? Can you admit them to yourself and more importantly your partner ? The beauty of being vulnerable enough to express what's really at the heart of your emotion, will help greatly. Find a quiet place and moment to really let your barriers down and try telling your partner what you feel.

7) Don't blame and project onto your partner, because it's your feelings that matter at that moment, take responsibility for them. Tell your partner how you feel, not what they need to do to change...it never works !

8) Watch your voice tone....it's always how you say it !

9) Communication, communication, communication

Authenticity and then there's you

2009-08-10T16:17:00.005+02:00

It occurred to me after seeing many clients for complementary therapies and indeed on my spiritual travels for the last 10 years; that the state of our health can be a reflection of how much we allow ourselves to be authentic. And authenticity is directly linked to our relationships, primarily our love relationship.

We are driven by a need to be loved and approved of, but often in an attempt to be loved, people adapt the “self” to be what others want them to be. From caretaker to marriage partner, the evolution of the self is largely dependant on the quality of relationships.

Ask someone, are they being who they are meant to be and most people say yes, but then stop to think and say “well I think so” or “not sure” and in many cases a definite “no !”.

Like intricate webs we have weaved relationships with family, friends and partners, identified ourselves with images of changing fashions, cars and gathered ever more things in an attempt to “feel” happy, but how often have we turned on ourselves and shone the mirror within to see whats really going on ? A very scary prospect for many. But it is only here that you can see where the real you resides and indeed the powerhouse of creation of your outer world. “As within, so without”.

Our birthright is to evolve and grow and be truly authentic, in an effort to achieve total health and happiness. Out there in the world now is an abundance of help to relieve the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical “baggage” we have accumulated. But how many of us can face ourselves and in absolute truth say “I am not who I am meant to be and I want to change it”. A tough decision but the only way I believe, to achieve the ultimate in life’s offerings.

After much heartache and deep introspection I was propelled, without choice, on to a path of “awakening” some 10 years ago. I had health issues, I didn’t like who I had become in relationships with men particularly and I was physically crumbling in the pace of a fast life. Some people in my world were draining me and generally the vista of my life had many a black spot on it.

My main "suffering" was a constant, fruitless search, for the right man who I could happily settle down and create the fairytale happy ending with. I morphed endlessly to please “current boyfriend” but didn’t understand why repeat patterns occurred with the same results. A heart breaking end and a "never to be healed" pain that got deeper each time. One thing that I know now was that I was never being who I was meant to be. I was being what boyfriend's wanted me to be to feel worthy of love.

Our love relationship is without doubt our truest mirror. Our partners reflect back to us those parts of ourselves that we have disowned throughout life. We search for those missing parts in relationship with others, in jobs and in owning things. Unfortunately these bring only temporary highs in happiness.

Ultimately we are searching for wholeness and that can only gained through : 1) Self awareness and seeing ourselves in truth, however we may look at the time 2) Self acceptance through forgiveness 3) Commitment to change those parts of ourselves that cause us pain.

After awakening, I embarked on a path of healing and growth using many complementary therapies and then trained over a 4 year period to become a healer and yoga teacher. As I stripped off the layers of past "masks", the essence of my true self began to emerge in all its beauty. People, jobs and things that were not right for me fell away as the real me evolved. The Universal Law of Attraction demonstrated it’s power in my life and the saying “what you give out you get back”, drummed into you as a child, couldn't be more true. The vista of my life now contains no black spots and I am surrounded by amazing people that reflect the essence of who I really am. My relationship with men is at last healed and in the mirror now I see the real me.

I am committed now to educating people through their love relationships and helping them find their true essence, because this is where I believe true “self” growth lies. Masculine and feminine are here to create union in love, it’s our Divine calling.

Let your mantra be you

Be The Person You Want to Attract

2009-05-04T20:20:00.002+02:00

Hi...I'm "awake"...are you ?

Spiritual awakening is rather like being allowed to create your own spaceship and fly wherever you want to be. Yes a tough road once you turn on yourself and take a good look. What do YOU see ? I saw myself generally as a good person a good few years ago, kind, loving, generous of heart, great friends and family but I had a few challenges...none more troublesome than trying to find the right man ! I had been given a great challenge from birth and little did I know at that time, that it would bring be the greatest pleasure but the most intense pain. Its been a long and at times, arduous road but last year a light bulb moment...I get it ! It is all about me. The education process has been quick and miraculous but its taken 25 years of dating and falling to know this......

The steps to successful attraction :

1) Self awareness - do you REALLY know what you give off to your partner ?
2) Truth - Yes its about inner truth, look in the mirror and admit who you are at this moment
3) Forgiveness - The power of your intention to forgive is like making peace with yourself and releasing you and others from emotional chains from the past - essential in moving forward.
4) Acceptance - Make peace and say yeah " I am who I am and that's OK!"
5) Growth / Release - start clearing out those mental, emotional, spiritual closets and see how the power of personal change will de-clutter your life from all the people and things that don't serve you.
6) Becoming You - this will be the result, a happier healthier you in a deep sense of peace and love
7) Attract - Which partner do you want in your life ? Whatever you want, BE it first. You want trust, be trust worthy. You want honesty, be honest. Its simple.....like attracts like, it's one of the Laws of the Universe

I guarantee these steps work.
Let me know what you think !